The president is pleased to announce that the long-anticipated agreement between the Nation Of Me and the Nation Of My Cowboy-Boss has finally been signed by both parties. According to this agreement, the Nation Of Me has today received a laptop, in return for which this Nation will continue to provide the Nation Of My Cowboy-Boss with flirtatious smiles, charmingly naive commentary and an open market for any and all Chinese myths.

The direct benefit of this agreement to the citizen of the Nation Of Me is the ability to play spider solitaire anywhere. Subsets of “anywhere” include but are not limited to: in bed, at Ward Street, at the ballpark, in a strip joint, in Rwanda, and on the bathroom floor of Macy’s in downtown San Francisco.

The president invites the world to celebrate this exciting moment in history along with the proud citizen of the Nation Of Me.

This was pulled from a column by foreign war correspondent Dad, written in response to the recent hug sanctions:

Dateline: Dad Nation

Once again your correspondent from this peace ravaged nation has seen another attempt by the Nation of Me to usurp the Gawd given rights of the Nations of Them to engage in the art and craft of hugging. Where oh where will this usurpation of mutual affection find it’s natural boundaries? If this trend continues, this correspondent wonders if the next thing to go will be the smile, and then the wave, and finally the greeting. We fear that soon to be a thing of the past is the familiar “Hey, how the hell are ya, anyway. You look like sometin’s been eatin’ at cher face!” and other jaunty and, yes, shall we say it, warm exchanges between nations.

Early word has reached us that the Nation of The Extended Family is (wait for it) up in arms, ar at least arms akimbo. “More hugs! Maybe some smooches” the poor downtrodden masses in Extendoland have been heard to cry. We nervously await the next confrontation between these two great nations. Will they hug? Will they not hug? Those are the questions. Now, back to you Dan.

Yesterday, the press secretary of the Nation Of Me revealed that sanctions will be placed on nearly all international hug imports. The president has declared that foreign hugs are bankrupting our reservoirs of personal space and aloofness. From now on we will accept hugs from only a few select nations. These nations include the country of the Lad and all close family nations. As for outlying countries, which include all aunts, cousins, drinking buddies and pals, we will maintain our friendly stance, but the hug sanctions will remain in place.

These sanctions come at a time when the hug market has become flooded, until hugs have nearly lost their value in the eyes of consumers. The president has noticed the trend of hugs being brought in under flimsy pretexts, such as parties, lunch dates and family reunions. In addition, the market has been plagued by cheap imitations which masquerade as hugs but actually carry sinister groping intentions into the Nation Of Me. The president feels that the Nation Of Me needs to return to the original meaning of the hug. All hug imports must therefore fall under the headings of sexual aids or outlets for intense emotion before they will be considered for importation.

The president assures the public that the country of me will remain true to its longtime reputation of indiscriminately importing and exporting hugs in times of crisis, however.

Those who persist in attempting to flaunt hug sanctions will be heavily fined and may face charges of rudeness and invasive behavior.