My cowboy boss told us this story at our staff meeting this morning:

Once there were three Chinese men who were having dinner together and drinking quite a lot of Chinese booze, since that is what happens at a Chinese business dinner. As he was eating and carousing, one of the men thought he saw a frog hiding in the plate of vegetables. However, he assumed he was drunk and ignored it.

Some time later, the same man saw the same frog, only now it was crawling towards him. Before he knew it, the frog had crawled up his spine and was sitting on top of his head! At that moment, the booze overwhelmed the man and he passed out.

When he woke up the next morning, he stumbled to the mirror and looked at himself. To his surprise, he saw a lump on top of his head, with two goggly frog eyes blinking out of the lump.

The man went to a magician, who assured him that he had seen the frog-in-head problem many times before. The magician cast a spell and the frog jumped out of the man’s head and hopped away.

Although the man was free of his frog, forever after this his head had a small hollow on the top, which was suitable for holding dipping sauce for his potstickers.

Can anyone tell me, what is the moral of this story?

1. When you were out with your crush last night, you got really drunk and blacked out. What most likely happened?

A. Your crush took you to your house, snuck you past your parents, put a basin next to the bed and went home.

B. Your crush made out with you until you vomited on him/her.

C. Your crush took compromising pictures of you and gave them out as party favors at the end of the night.

D. Your crush sold you into white slavery. (Or asian, black, half-black, Indian, or any other kind of slavery. )

2. It’s time to plan the most important date of your life: your one-month anniversary with your crush. What best describes this evening?

A. Drinks, dinner, dancing, demure goodnight kiss.

B. Drinks, X-Men II, consensual oral sex.

C. Drinks, drinks, drinks, date rape.

D. Date rape is no joke, you heartless bitch.

3. When you and your crush go back to school in the fall, you know you’ll be:

A. Walking each other to every class.

B. Hooking up under the bleachers after all the important basketball games.

C. Glaring at each other across the cafeteria.

D. Changing your phone number.

4. Your crush once told you that you had:

A. the eyes of an angel and the ass of Jennifer Lopez.

B. his/her shirt, and (s)he’d like it back.

C. more than enough money to pay for dinner so quit whining.

D. better shut up before he/she GAVE you something to cry about.

5. My crush most resembles:

A. Didofoot.

B. Didofoot, but not as beautiful.

C. Didofoot, but not as smart.

D. Didofoot, but on opposite day.

RESULTS:

IF you answered:

MOSTLY A’s:

You are a fourteen year old girl who still thinks she’ll have an orgasm when she loses her virginity. Your crush probably won’t stick around past the summer, because whatever WB show you saw him/her on just got canceled. Better luck next time.

MOSTLY B’s:

You are a realist. You will remain with this crush for years to come as you both vainly scout around for someone better and finally settle for marrying each other in order to share health care benefits.

MOSTLY C’s:

Your crush is probably sleeping with your sibling. Keep him/her as long as you want but get tested regularly.

MOSTLY D’s:

If you’re dating this person then it’s probably because there’s no one better in your hometown population of 30. For god’s sake hang on to this meal ticket until you can catch a ride to the big city.

I’ve been messing up all day. I keep saying the wrong thing and offending people inadvertently.

I know why this is happening. Recently I did something that was, for me, quite pushy and insistent. In fact it was the most forward and least ladylike thing I’ve ever done and I was and am horrified at myself. I know this will mark my slow change into one of those brash, horse faced women who brays like a mule when she laughs and takes up too much space and makes priest-and-altar-boy jokes. This hoof-in-mouth disease is only the beginning. Ever since I sprouted to this ungainly height (in sixth grade) I’ve expended an enormous amount of concentration on projecting a graceful, ladylike, decorous image. I determined then that even though I take up acres of physical space, I would endeavor to convince those around me that I was Princess Grace. Up until now I think it was almost working, even though most of the time I feel like a pregnant sheep stumbling around blindly and bleating in everyone’s face. But reports from the front assure me that I am being received as silent and mysterious and that my walk, though not exactly Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday (my ideal), is nevertheless more sway than bray.

All of that is changing now, though. Now everything I say will be misconstrued. I will begin knocking over table lamps and stepping backwards onto small children. I tell you this now, so that you can be sure to stay well clear of my windmilling arms as I trip over my own bare feet.

Flora is teaching me Russian. Today she printed out the Russian alphabet with a pronunciation guide for each letter and gave me a small lesson – I learned how to say “hedgehog” and “bug.” I wish my keyboard typed in Russian. The letters are heavy and thick and beautiful.

Flora is so entertaining. When she has to walk in the sun she comes back sweaty and says “Now I am wet like a frog.” I love the foreigns.