1. When you were out with your crush last night, you got really drunk and blacked out. What most likely happened?
A. Your crush took you to your house, snuck you past your parents, put a basin next to the bed and went home.
B. Your crush made out with you until you vomited on him/her.
C. Your crush took compromising pictures of you and gave them out as party favors at the end of the night.
D. Your crush sold you into white slavery. (Or asian, black, half-black, Indian, or any other kind of slavery. )
2. It’s time to plan the most important date of your life: your one-month anniversary with your crush. What best describes this evening?
A. Drinks, dinner, dancing, demure goodnight kiss.
B. Drinks, X-Men II, consensual oral sex.
C. Drinks, drinks, drinks, date rape.
D. Date rape is no joke, you heartless bitch.
3. When you and your crush go back to school in the fall, you know you’ll be:
A. Walking each other to every class.
B. Hooking up under the bleachers after all the important basketball games.
C. Glaring at each other across the cafeteria.
D. Changing your phone number.
4. Your crush once told you that you had:
A. the eyes of an angel and the ass of Jennifer Lopez.
B. his/her shirt, and (s)he’d like it back.
C. more than enough money to pay for dinner so quit whining.
D. better shut up before he/she GAVE you something to cry about.
5. My crush most resembles:
B. Didofoot, but not as beautiful.
C. Didofoot, but not as smart.
D. Didofoot, but on opposite day.
IF you answered:
You are a fourteen year old girl who still thinks she’ll have an orgasm when she loses her virginity. Your crush probably won’t stick around past the summer, because whatever WB show you saw him/her on just got canceled. Better luck next time.
You are a realist. You will remain with this crush for years to come as you both vainly scout around for someone better and finally settle for marrying each other in order to share health care benefits.
Your crush is probably sleeping with your sibling. Keep him/her as long as you want but get tested regularly.
If you’re dating this person then it’s probably because there’s no one better in your hometown population of 30. For god’s sake hang on to this meal ticket until you can catch a ride to the big city.
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