General

Josh Pelham plays for the Lakers I think. Probably not the same Josh Pelham though. Because mine was only my height (though I am tall, like to wear shorts, hookhookdunkdunk and could play in the NBA). He was such a sweet little felon. He used to steal cologne and wear it for me. Every day … Continue reading »

Various sinus elements – bad elements, the kind you don’t want to see in front of your neighborhood 7-11 – have been congregating under my wig for a few days now. Every morning I wake up and a few more have roared into town on their hawgs of compressed snot. They start drinking earlier, too, … Continue reading »

I’m researching a paper about the effects of cattle ranching on rainforests in Brazil, and if my research leads me to one more article decrying the knee-jerk liberalism of writers who urged America to temper its grief with awareness of its sins INTHEWAKEOFSEPTETC I will go bananas. Bananas. Bananas. “Uh, oh, here it comes: that … Continue reading »

My boss is a country kind of fellow. He comes in every day in cowboy boots and a Southwest patterned shirt and kind of has a Northern California Fort Bragg type drawl to his speech. One day he brought in a cassette tape of a honky-tonk song he’d written, played on what sounded like one … Continue reading »

My boss has a theory that the continental drift was actually caused by beavers. Apparently, beavers were much bigger in the Ice Age, more the size of grizzly bears than the cute rodents we know and love. (This is according to a website he’s found whose veracity – is that my word? – is anyone’s … Continue reading »

Raise your hand if over the course of this day you either had or anticipate having a conversation like the following: “Hey.” “Hi.” “What’s up?” “Nothing. ‘Sup with you?” “Nothing. What are you up to?” “Not much, you?” “Same. How are you doing?” “Good, and you?” “Yeah, pretty good.” The empty triple question conversational introduction. … Continue reading »

My boss does this really adorable thing almost every day I work with him. It’s this thing where he gives me an assignment, but without a lot of backup information, you know? And then I ask for clarification and he puts on this maddening (yet adorable!) smile and either tells me it’s not his job … Continue reading »

This is in response to Holohan’s letter, which you should read first. Dear Valued Customer: We are in receipt of your letter dated NOVEMBER 12, 1989. Please rest assured that your concerns are valid, and that we will make every effort to address them. We here at RALPH’S FOOD, INC. are always eager to hear … Continue reading »