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When left to her own devices, Dido delighted in impersonating middle management…

Posted by on December 2, 2002

This is in response to Holohan’s letter, which you should read first.

Dear Valued Customer:

We are in receipt of your letter dated NOVEMBER 12, 1989. Please rest assured that your concerns are valid, and that we will make every effort to address them. We here at RALPH’S FOOD, INC. are always eager to hear suggestions for improvement from you, the customer.

In the future, we will certainly attempt to

X STOCK THE ITEM YOU HAVE REQUESTED.

_ RESOLVE YOUR ISSUE WITH OUR STAFF.

_ RECONSIDER OUR PRICING SYSTEM.

_ BAN SMALL CHILDREN FROM OUR STORE.

_ CLEAN THE FLOORS WITH SOMETHING NOT SO STICKY.

_ INSTALL A THUNDER SOUND IN OUR PRODUCE SECTION LIKE SAFEWAY’S.

Sincerely,

Customer Service

RALPH’S FOODS, INC.

[Handwritten] P.S. I have been a customer service manager with Ralph’s for twenty years and I’ve never had a letter from someone complaining about anything cherry-related. Do you know why? It’s because the cherry is valued in this country, that’s why. Consider some common cherry-related expressions, such as describing a mint-condition (don’t get me started on the role of mint in our society) car as “cherry,” and referring to the act of deflowering a virgin as “popping her cherry.” (May I remind you that in pre-Victorian England, the cherry of a virgin was sold for as much as 500 pounds? I hardly think it is less valued in this country.) In addition, cherries are really tasty. Clearly, the cherry is a fruit whose importance to the good US of A cannot be underestimated. Don’t you love America, Mr. Holohan (if that IS your real name)? I would think even a communist like yourself would appreciate the cherry, with its fine red color so like your godless flag.

In short, I suggest you try those cherry doughnuts one more time before you go pointing fingers at the Statue of Liberty, the Bible, and the Bush administration. You goddamn liberal. I hope you and all your kind get shipped to outer space. You’d like it up there, wouldn’t you? You pansy? No draft to dodge in outer space, eh, coward?

Sincerely,

Harold P. Waughm

Manager and American

P.P.S. You can try to complain about this, but I’m retiring in 3 days. It would take some sort of instantaneous mail system to reach my superior before that time. Good luck, sucker! Ha ha. -HPM

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