Author Archives: didofoot
I’ll put a cap in his ass, all right.
So there’s this guy at work who about a year ago I made the mistake of teasing about his hat. I think it was one of those safari hats which I myself am so fond of, but it might have been a cowboy hat or a baseball hat or even a viking helmet, I don’t … Continue reading
Sock puppets, but not the Flea kind
My parents finally got a new dog who they’ve named after Sean’s youngest sister. It’s my hope that this mortal insult will make his family return our Scattergories game. So far it’s not working, though it’s possible that neighborhood gossip just hasn’t reached their house yet. Our Molly is another black lab mix, which leads … Continue reading
By the pricking of my thumbs…
The past few days have been full of portents. Spiders, blood, and at Wednesday’s poker game I kept winning with the dead man’s hand. Then this morning I came biking toward myself on Hearst, and the biker’s face didn’t resolve itself into a stranger’s until just before the bike passed me. Yet, weirdly, absolutely nothing … Continue reading
A brief description of President Bush as if he were my sub-par breakfast muffin
Thick, kind of crumby, and (judging from the stains on the bag), has strong ties to the oil industry. Makes me sick to my stomach with artificialness. Expensive. Cleverly packaged. Usually surrounded by at least eleven others of the same type. Horribly dense. Bad for children and other living things. And to make it worse, … Continue reading
The A-SUCK, folk songs, and girls with squeaky voices
My family and I went to the memorial service for free speech being held in Sproul Plaza today. I particularly enjoyed the participation of the ASUC. Now pay attention, Alanis, because this is ironic. The ASUC recently gave our own Holohan a cartload of grief over his campaign speech, yet today they were proudly blahing … Continue reading
Everyone and the Lad’s sister is doing it
I recently attended the Lad’s sister’s wedding. Watching Em and Geoff stand in front of everyone they love and speak their self-written vows made me realize that I can never, ever, in a million years be brave enough to display that much sincerity (i.e. any at all) in front of a gathering of my peers. … Continue reading
So kind, most obliging
My cowboy boss is deep into Virgil right now. He sidles up to my desk every now and then to discuss it. “See, the bad alliances Virgil is talkin’ about, that’s just common sense at the track. You never team up with someone to buy a horse. You gotta always buy your own horse. And … Continue reading
Raise your glasses: an anniversary toast in nine wretched couplets
Two years ago, we had our third First date, although you may have heard There’s some contention in our midst: Should we be counting from that kiss Which was third first, or maybe fourth If you ask me? Except, of course, There was the time we almost split, So this is four-point-five, or fifth Of … Continue reading
$99 Picture Frames
Today my six-month Pottery Barn checkup came due so I wandered down there for a few minutes. Every half-year or so I need to enter a Pottery Barn (or a Williams Sonoma, or a Crate & Barrel, or almost any store on Union Square) to sneer at the ridiculous merchandise, thereby reminding myself that I … Continue reading
We get knocked down, but we get up again
I caught my sandal on one of the criminally protruding MUNI rails while crossing Market Street yesterday and went sprawling in the middle of the intersection. Caught myself on my hands in a monster push-up and managed not to rip my jeans, so I thought I was doing pretty well. Picked myself up and got … Continue reading