Author Archives: didofoot
Fetch
Yesterday, having use of a car, the Lad and I went to Trader Joe’s. I wasn’t able to look around much until we were standing in line, since before that I was busy frantically darting through crowds in search of sundried tomatoes and cornbread mix, and once I did I was startled. Everyone waiting in … Continue reading
Divorce poodles
Because I have no income yet, I’ve been window shopping like crazy. Today I caught myself comparing prices for used copies of a collection of Nin essays. Fifty cents, I thought, pretty good. Sure, there’s writing on the first three pages; still, it’s a seventeen cent savings from that other guy with the perfect copy … Continue reading
All right, look.
The plain fact is, one of you has stolen my Thurber and I need it back now. I need the racist, sexist humor, and I need the cartoons about seals. So please, if you stole it, give it back to me. Alternately, and this is more likely, if I loaned it to you, aren’t you … Continue reading
I tried my best to keep my distance from your dress
Lately I’ve become very interested in textures and I walk around touching things on the sly. Last week in class I absent-mindedly reached over and touched my astonished neighbor’s knee, curious to see what the material of his pants felt like. I’m deep into the job hunt now; tomorrow will be my last official day … Continue reading
At ease, disease
My Figure 8 CD got leprosy, making my heart skip. Like this: I am sadsadsadsadsadsadsa — It’s a mind bender. When is a CD not a CD? When it’s swiss cheese. And how did it happen, I wonder: biological warfare? Did it happen during the CD power coup? I can’t quite bear to throw it … Continue reading
Here come old flat top
Less than 24 hours of living alone and already the books are mad at me. Why should she get all the furniture, they’re asking themselves. They’ve taken over the leather couch, no doubt inspired by the example of the foreigners I brought in from the library–mannerless infidels who get drunk and lie around open-faced like … Continue reading
A shark on beer is a beer engineer
Guy From Class: What’s that on your neck? Is that a hickey? Me: No. I fell down. GFC: [Raises skeptical eyebrow.] Me: I fell down onto a shark. GFC: You got savaged. Me: Right, ’cause it was all with the…teeth. GFC: Can’t you put some concealer or foundation or something on that? Me: No. I … Continue reading
Sweet grapes
Another Spring, another example of the Lad fleeing my society to spend a few weeks hotfooting it around Europe with a bunch of dudes. I think it’s nice for him to get some guy time, especially now that he GAY! GAY! lives with a girl fulltime and everything. While he’s gone I plan to do … Continue reading
You try everything you can to escape
I like Madonna. There, I said it. You’ve got to make him express himself, she urges me. Madonna, when you’re right you’re right, and you’re right, I say. The Lad comes home from work. “Lad,” I say. “Express what you’ve got, baby. Ready or not.” He stops in the hallway, looking rabbity. “Are you pregnant?” … Continue reading
The dog’s widow
For the last two and a half years I’ve been periodically proposing to the Lad. So far he won’t have me, though there’s many as would, but I persevere, I persevere. That’s what marriage is all about. It’ll be anticlimactic when he gives in finally but that, too, is what marriage is all about I … Continue reading