Author Archives: didofoot
My teacher said “staid” and I love her.
Raise your hand if over the course of this day you either had or anticipate having a conversation like the following: “Hey.” “Hi.” “What’s up?” “Nothing. ‘Sup with you?” “Nothing. What are you up to?” “Not much, you?” “Same. How are you doing?” “Good, and you?” “Yeah, pretty good.” The empty triple question conversational introduction. … Continue reading
If your victim is middle management, is it murder or civil service?
My boss does this really adorable thing almost every day I work with him. It’s this thing where he gives me an assignment, but without a lot of backup information, you know? And then I ask for clarification and he puts on this maddening (yet adorable!) smile and either tells me it’s not his job … Continue reading
When left to her own devices, Dido delighted in impersonating middle management…
This is in response to Holohan’s letter, which you should read first. Dear Valued Customer: We are in receipt of your letter dated NOVEMBER 12, 1989. Please rest assured that your concerns are valid, and that we will make every effort to address them. We here at RALPH’S FOOD, INC. are always eager to hear … Continue reading
This just in, winter causes sadness.
This morning I found myself singing that sad song from Disney’s Sleeping Beauty in the shower. I wonder why each little bird has a someone. You know this song? Where all the animals of the forest improbably gather to provide four-part harmony like furry little do-wop girls? I think I’m not really used to being … Continue reading
Obligatory fall from grace post:
It goes a little something like this: – See the Baby in the sink. Scream. – Opt to make my pain into other people’s pleasure. Write blog about Baby in sink. – Throughout the rest of the day, insist on referring to turkey as the Baby. – Everyone else begins referring to it as the … Continue reading
Obligatory vegetarian post:
The turkey is huge, so huge that it looks like a small beheaded toddler in the sink. When I walked in I screamed “AAAAH! DAD, THE MOMS KILLED A BABY!” It’s got this little flap of wrinkled skin where its head used to be. “Ew, Moms,” I whispered, plucking (ha) at her sleeve, “it’s got … Continue reading
An obligatory holiday post:
Tomorrow, I am a cook. It is regrettable for a number of reasons. The reason it is regrettable is that I cannot cook really and the number of reasons it is regrettable is one. My most important job this year is that I have to beat on the turkey until it stops crying and plays … Continue reading
Suck eggs, Wallace, you conniving fucker.
You’ve probably seen this, most of you. Go see it again. If you plan on reading The Book, and I suggest you do read it, it’s probably best not to read the rest of this entry because I’m about to bitch about the ending. Okay? Okay. Okay, I finished it. (Finnished it.) And lo it … Continue reading
The End of an Era
It’s almost over. I pretty much knew when I started this that it wouldn’t last, because none of these relationships ever last. I jump into it, delighted, like (pardon me) a pig in shit, and wallow around for awhile until abruptly it just…ends. So it’s ending. The worst part about this is now I have … Continue reading
The Book
So I spent last night communing with The Book. The Book is cumbersome to haul about, but I do it. I read it standing up on the subway, even, flipping back and forth between the bookmark in the story and the bookmark at the back where the footnotes are. So far I am at the … Continue reading