Professor Cleese performed the same physical comedy routine in the second week of class that he used for the first: straining to move large teacher’s desk to a more central position, enormous screeching sound in silent room, dismay and perplexity followed by inspiration, huffing and puffing to lift desk instead of dragging it, enormous tweed-clad bottom stuck accidentally in several faces as desk is carried to correct spot. I wanda if I will ever tire of this fine, traditional banana peel humor.

One of my professors is playing his Professor role exactly as I imagine John Cleese would play it. It’s all English accent and bumbling physical comedy and stuttering halts.

“Most writers agree that the most difficult thing to describe is sex. But the student who takes the minutes in this class will find it still more difficult to describe 70 minutes of class discussion, so I believe that minute-taking is actually the most difficult thing to describe.” Looks pleased with himself. Pauses. Looks worried. “Unless someone has sex in class.” Looks more worried as he considers the implications. “That would, of course, be…extremely difficult. Er. To describe.”

It was around this time last year that I met Elliott Smith at Safeway, so maybe that’s why I’m only just beginning to feel genuinely sad about his death. Last night I watched poor old E struggling through the inadvertently hilarious Miss Misery video and I remembered Jason Martin telling me way back when I was 20 that I might as well be obsessed with ESmith since Nick Drake was already dead. I looked around sadly at the Elliott Smith concert posters still lining my walls and I wondered where in the world would I find another shy troubadour to aggressively stalk? Then The John Francis stopped by.

Re-reading have I been the Lord of the Rings trilogy and somewhat annoyed have I become at the persistent switching of traditional subject-verb order which Tolkein engages in. Very like it is to the grammer which I did use in my eight grade sonnets, wherein merry havoc did I play with subject-verb order to make my words fit within iambic pentameter.

Though much do I love these books, and especially the third, my breaking point did I reach last night — not due to the ass-backwards grammar, but rather when Aragorn Faramir did heal, and a nearby woman did he command to “make water hot.” Apparently “boil” was a word which existed not when mightily crafting was Tolkein these books.

In addition, at one point does Legolas say of Aragorn that “not for naught” does Sauron fear him. I can’t imagine that would go over well in a dialogue.

Legolas: Not for naught is Aragorn much feared by Sauron.

Gimli: Not for not? Be this a strange double negative? Or merely some elvish trick of language, for I know that among the elves are many cunning linguists.

Legolas: No, for “naught.” As in “aught.”

Gimli: Aye, much fear indeed ought Sauron to have of Aragorn, for he is a doughty fighter.

Legolas: Naught like “caught.”

Gimli: Aye, “not” like “cot.” How I wish you had not mentioned it, for I am greatly weary after our long journey in search of the Halflings and would be glad to rest my head on any cot.

Legolas: …

Gimli: …

Legolas: …

Gimli: I be a dwarf.

I was surprised and delighted to receive my recent Oscar for my moving portrayal of A Screaming Victim in the sleeper hit Superfreaks! The awards committee held a special session to issue the award after Superfreaks! finished its limited run in Taiwan. Thanks to everyone who made this possible, but especially Stan, my loving husband of thirty-eight years, and God, who is a busy guy but who always keeps an eye on me because I am an incredibly fascinating and deserving performer.

We are nearly done filming our current arthouse darling, Fjords! The Musical, in which I portray a murderous French maid. Currently no plans have been made to release this film to the public. This will only make it more attractive to the indie crowd, all of whom will be claiming to own bootleg copies of it. Rumors that the Beatles are reforming in order to write a title track for the film are false, but the studio has confirmed that Beethoven will be returning from the dead to score several key scenes, as will Sonny Bono.

I got invited to Melanie’s house for a party in my honor. (I assume all parties are in my honor unless the host specifically tells me otherwise.) The evite listed several names I didn’t know, so it was tough to know what to expect. Should I be sexy? Demure? Would there be charades? Would there be nudity? I shaved my legs carefully just in case.

It occurs to me that my years of wondering about possible party nudity are surely numbered. There will come a year not too far in the future when nudity at a party will be a reason to leave. But right now I always anticipate nakedness and orgying.

The party did turn out to be the charades kind, which led to me groping Wendy’s breast while clumsily attempting to pantomime a stethoscope. I wonder how long I will be at this age where neither nudity nor charades cause me to leave the party in an offended sulk. I suspect my stethoscope demonstration probably pushed Wendy over that line.

I was just copied on an interoffice memo warning me that the nation (of the U.S., not of the Me) is currently at an Orange Level Threat Alert. Here are some of the precautions that the memo suggests I take:

“Report all suspicious activity and persons to UC Police at 911 e.g. conspicuous or unusual behavior, persons taking photographs of critical facilities, asking detailed questions about physical security or dressed inappropriately for weather conditions.” [Emphasis added.]

My cowboy-boss on why the professors have to work so hard on their research:

“The problem with the world is that we’ve all gotten complacent, and now the Old Navy will no longer bring us things. See, back in ancient China, I mean we’re talking 800, 1000 B.C., the Old Navy used to come all the time. They would sail around the seas and possibly the larger Universe, we don’t know, and when they landed all the Chinese would come to greet them and the Old Navy would bring technological innovations which had never been seen before. This is how mankind acquired the concept of calendars, for example.”

“And fleece vests at 2 for 1?” I inquired.

I really don’t find his beliefs any weirder than those of the average Christian, and they are a lot more interesting. So it’s not that I’m mocking him. (Except with the fleece vests comment.) I respect him. After all, the man could put a Chinese gypsy curse on me that would make my eyes fall out of my head.