Gene and I re-watch The Social Network

Posted on January 30, 2013 by didofoot

Me: Armie Hammer is so great. He should be in other things.

Gene: Isn’t he?

Me: No, he’s not actually an actor. He’s the heir to the Arm & Hammer fortune.

Gene: Wait, really?

Me: Hence the ridiculous name.

Gene: Huh, I had no idea.

Kris: Yeah, it’s on his Wikipedia page, I think.

We go check Wikipedia.

Gene: He’s been in lots of stuff, actually. And there’s no mention of Arm & Hammer.

Kris: Hm…it’s possible that someone told me that as a joke.

Gene: Jesus, and you just go around repeating this stuff like it’s fact.

Kris: What are you getting mad at me for? You’re the one just blindly believing stuff I say; this is your fault!

Gene: That’s a fair point.

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A Wednesday List

Posted on January 30, 2013 by didofoot

I was walking some kids home from school yesterday (in my role as a volunteer with an after-school program; I don’t just show up outside schools and hope somebody is feeling gullible that day) when one of them asked me what they’d be having for snack. I frowned, trying to remember what I’d seen on the chalkboard.

“Graham crackers,” I said, “and…is it possible that there is something called Gogurt, which is a food?” (Note: I actually know about Gogurt, but I find they’re more entertained by me if I talk like a caveman who has just been revived into the modern world.)

“Yes,” they all said, exasperated by my old-lady ignorance. “It’s just yogurt. It’s yogurt you have when you have to have yogurt and go somewhere.”

“When does that ever happen?” I demanded, because it’s important to teach them to think critically, and it’s even more important to teach them to criticize, and especially to criticize things I think are dumb.

This made me think about things I don’t like, and now I’m going to share them with you, because it’s Wednesday which I dimly remember was code in the working world for “a terrible day.” Here you go, let’s hate stuff together.

A list of things I do not like, Sam I Am

  • Gogurt, or any food which is clearly just a normal kind of food but being marketed in an “exciting” way. Except Cuties, which are awesome.
  • Making hand gestures. Whether it’s a thumbs-up or the rocking hand-horns, I pretend that I am too cool to do it but the truth is I’m never entirely sure I’m doing it right and so I  suspect that doing it actually makes me less cool. Sometimes I try anyway, and the memories of my failures in this department still haunt me. Like that time I tried to make the “what you are saying is lame, this is me pretending to jerk off” movement and Gene and someone else — Sean, maybe? — had to tell me sternly never to do that again, so poorly did I execute it.
  • It’s been many years since last I spoke of this but I still hate casual hugging. I hate it so much that I feel compelled to do it all the damn time so that people won’t realize how much I hate it and take it personally. Though also, the more I inappropriately hug, the more I may awaken others to the realization that friend-hugging sucks and should be stopped. Only through hugging can we defeat hugs. C’mere, you.
  • I hate running. I actually remember the last time I enjoyed running (don’t read this, Mom, it’ll make you sad). I was in third grade and I won a race by using the visualization technique my dad taught me and I was so proud of myself, and then a friend promptly told me that I run funny. She helpfully did her best to demonstrate my run so that I could see it, and really tried to deconstruct my technique at length. I’ve never ever liked running since then, and actually failed several high school P.E. classes rather than run in front of boys I had crushes on. And since I never do it I’m now completely unsuited for it — I spent about five minutes playing tag with some kids a couple of days ago and I came home thinking maybe I was going to die. Running is terrible. The only thing worse than plain running is running because you’re being chased by someone who wants to hug you and then exchange thumbs-up gestures with you.
  • That last one kind of bummed me out, so I feel like I need to add a lighter thing. Maybe shopping websites that by default list their products from most expensive to least expensive. Barneys, I’m looking at you. Who would ever want this? Get real, Barneys and other websites.
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Seeking Moneypenny

Posted on January 23, 2013 by didofoot

Sometimes I idly daydream about moving somewhere else. Today it’s London — or it was, until I started browsing around the job openings on London’s Craigslist. Holy cow, London is one pervy town. They seemed so polite! Who knew. A few examples from the Administrative Assistant section (which I only went to in desperation after the Writing/Editing section was a complete bust):

P/A Wanted maybe more. (London)

Hi
I am a 44 year old property dealer in west London who is looking for an intelligent l girl. I am solvent and enjoy the finer things in life.
Regards
Bobby

 

Bussy Agency need a receptionist (london)

Busy agency is looking for a new Female Receptionist commission based payment, Exelent telephone manners, maximum 35 years old flexible able to work hard. all london, possibility from work from home. if you are interrested just send mi your cv with a pictr and fone nr!
must speak fluent english

 

Very Personal Assistant required (London/South East England )

Part-time Personal Assistant required. Must be flexible, broad-minded and willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. Working hours to be negotiated.
Would suit an attractive young lady between 18-35. Ideal role for students looking to supplement their income.
Please reply with two recent photos and some brief information about yourself.

 

First of all, to whom does this English belong? Because it is definitely not the Queen’s English. Except the third one, which is somehow creepier because it’s grammatically correct.

Second, I guess “personal assistant” has a different meaning in the U.K.? It’s weird though because all these guys seem to want assistance with the same thing and I’ve always believed this was one of the few things men were capable of doing on their own.

 

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Twitch

Posted on January 22, 2013 by didofoot

There are these moments that happen sometimes. Like over the weekend, when someone was telling us that he impresses his friends with his computer skills because he can “go into a program” and can burn CDs. I was listening to this guy but I was watching Gene’s face, which was also listening very politely, except one tiny muscle in his cheek that was twitching around as all his inside parts laughed.

That might be the very best part of marriage: those moments when you see a cheek muscle move and you and your partner have just had an entire conversation without even making eye contact.

I also really like having someone around to kill spiders.

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The Whole New Shirt Olympics

Posted on January 18, 2013 by didofoot

Gold medal: Rummaging through your rag bin and finding a perfectly good shirt that you tossed in there two years ago because you decided it looked bad on you. The good news: you were wrong. It’s like getting a whole new shirt!

Silver medal: Finally tidying up the pile of clothes on your closet floor and discovering the same shirt, which you wore once after rescuing it from the rag bin and then dropped on your closet floor and forgot about. It’s like getting a whole new shirt!

Bronze medal: Finally getting to the pile of clothes that need to be attacked with stain remover and cleaning them all. Discovering that this pile includes that shirt from the other two medals because after the second time you wore it you discovered the small stubborn stain that was, you now remember, the reason you threw it in the rag bin in the first place, but now you’ve removed the stain and the shirt is flawless again. It’s like…well, you get it.

Conclusion: Laziness in housekeeping can be as satisfying as a shopping spree.

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Home Alone

Posted on January 17, 2013 by didofoot

I read a chapter of Mansfield Park out loud in my best British accent (think Winona Ryder’s accent in Dracula). I sing the last three lines of “Unforgettable” over and over because that’s the only part I know. I play M.I.A.’s “Bad Girls” on repeat about 60 times because I am enjoying it so much.

These are just three of the reasons why sometimes I hope a government agency is bugging my house and listening to everything I do. Suck it, government!

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Panda’s

Posted on January 15, 2013 by didofoot

I was sitting with a kid yesterday while she did her homework and I noticed a piece of paper in her binder that showed a picture of a panda under the caption “PANDA’S ARE AWESOME!!!!”

“Did you make this?” I asked, picking it up to study it.

“Yeah,” she said.

I took her pencil away from her and sternly crossed out the apostrophe in PANDA’S. “No apostrophe,” I told her. She half-smiled at me and I frowned back at her. “This is serious stuff,” I said. “I mean it. This does not take an apostrophe.”

“Ohhhh…kay…” she said, gathering her stuff to leave.

“Pandas are awesome, though,” I called after her. “You were correct about that.”

I’m not sure, but I suspect I won’t be asked to help her with her homework again.

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Jessica Simpson: A Defense

Posted on January 2, 2013 by didofoot

The thing I wear that I am most often complimented on is my bright red trench coat:

This is a model pretending to be me.

This is a model pretending to be me, because somehow no one has ever taken a picture of me in this coat that I’ve had for the better part of a decade.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s so bright that people seem to feel a little assaulted by it. I’m not sure everyone who remarks on it actually likes it, but I guess it’s the kind of thing that’s so visually intrusive that it can’t be allowed to pass without comment, like how people always seem to be walking up to pregnant ladies and saying “You are pregnant!”

These same people complimenting my coat are subsequently weirded out when I tell them that the coat is from Jessica Simpson’s clothing line. Now I could understand how this would be weird in the example I described above, with a pregnant woman. Like, if she responded to “You are pregnant!” with “Yes, I am carrying Jessica Simpson’s baby,” that would be weird. But I’m not actually sure why Jessica Simpson clothes are bad. Maybe because it’s kind of corny to wear something made under a pop star’s label? (Or is she a movie star? I don’t really know what she does, other than cause fabulous jackets to be made.) Or maybe you expect it to be kind of shoddy and trashy somehow, like it’s a costume? But I’ve had this coat forever and worn it all over the place and it’s still in great shape. Even the pockets remain un-holey, and I am really hard on pockets. So whatever else Jessica Simpson may be, she is at least always welcome in my closet.

This is doubly true since I discovered today that the only flats I can wear are also Jessica Simpson brand, and they’re awesome. They are leather and have actual padding in the sole. More to the point, they fit my weird long-toed feet, which most flats do not.

JSFlats

Anyway, I just felt like today was the day to really clear Jessica Simpson’s clothing line’s reputation here on the internet. For more than ten years I’ve been sort of wondering why I write this blog, but I think this is the post that’s finally going to give it purpose. AND I have new shoes. Kind of a red letter day for me, and also for Jessica Simpson.

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Skillz

Posted on December 28, 2012 by didofoot

While we were on the houseboat this year, Gene taught me to embroider:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 This is the only new skill I learned in 2012, which sounds sad now that I come to write it out, but I actually feel pretty good about it. Some years, the only new skill I acquire is, like, cheating at Yoshi’s Island, or figuring out how to use the camera on my phone.

Embroidery is surprisingly soothing. The worst part was threading the needles — embroidery floss (which is what we embroidery experts call our thread) has several distinct strands to it that love to unravel as soon as you look away for a second, and it’s really tough to get all the strands into one needle.

Then I discovered something called a needle threader. OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. This is basically just a metal hook, but it has changed my life. I always assumed I would know the future had arrived when I saw my first flying skateboard or self-drying jacket, but it turns out that the needle threader is as far as technology needs to go. I could thread needles all day long now. And I do!

(Or, if Gene is reading this, no. No, I do not do that.)

Anyway, the only real problem with embroidery is that there aren’t that many things in life that need to be covered in lumpy thread knots, no matter how pretty they are. I’ve embroidered a few flour sack towels like the one above, which are completely useless as towels, being both WAY too thin to absorb anything and also way too pretty for me to want to mop up my coffee spills with. After that I was kind of at a loss.

But then! I realized that I have an extra chair in my library that I rarely sit on which was screaming for a decorative yet uncomfortable throw pillow. Say no more, chair! I am on it.

The other thing that I have discovered in the world of embroidery is this: the iron-on pen.

So now, for example, I can print out a quotation, trace over the letters and iron it onto my fabric. Voila, an amusingly ironic pillow, courtesy of me being awesome:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m especially proud of the flowers, which I did freehand without any kind of pattern — a first for me. Here is a closeup, to blow what remains of your mind after you saw that last picture:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you can’t read the writing on this terrible, over-exposed photo, it’s a quote from Anais Nin and it says “If I had been given a normal energy, I would be a great woman today.” It cracks me up because it’s so typical of the stuff she was always writing about herself, a mixture of grandiosity and laziness. And also because it’s a thought I have secretly had about myself more than once.

Anyway, that pillow is finished and I am once again without an embroidery project. I think next year I’m going to try and acquire a skill that can be used more often, like hang gliding or drinking my weight in eggnog. Something useful.

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Things I’ve Got That I Love: The Tea Time Edition

Posted on December 26, 2012 by didofoot

This Christmas — and really the whole year — was especially rich in items to improve my afternoon tea breaks.

First of all, I can hear you asking: Can anything really improve the flavor of tea? And of course the answer is no. Not because tea is great — just the opposite. Tea is the muddy sludge you get when you boil dead leaves in water. At best, all you can do is disguise the flavor with a ton of milk and sugar and lemon and other things that actually taste good.

However! Tea has a fantastic smell. Also, hot drinks are extremely soothing at this time of year. And an afternoon tea break is a great excuse to snack. So I drink a lot of tea. Here are my picks for the best ways to enjoy your afternoon tea breaks:

1. Fancy Tea

Martina, who claims to actually like the flavor of tea and can even brew a pot that’s reasonably pleasant to the tongue, turned me on to the black teas from Fortnum & Mason in London. No one should pay this much for a jar of leaves, but they smell so amazing that they’re kind of almost worth the price. Plus, you can keep the awesome tins, like this one:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also really love the fruit-infused teas, which come with actual bits of dried fruit in them. (Tea: it’s not just for leaves anymore!) I strongly advise buying Fortnum & Mason teas if you want to smell something nice and feel rich at the same time.

For the rest of you, I noticed the last time I was at Urban Ore that they had some decorative tea tins for sale in their crockery section for like fifty cents apiece, so that’s an option. And for those of you who don’t want to order a fancy tin from another continent but who ALSO don’t want to bring something into your kitchen that you bought at a store filled with weird (and awesome) trash, Trader Joe’s has some really nice tea tins available these days.

I know the choice of tea should not be primarily about the container, but I can’t help it. I have a weird love of tins. And since I kind of hate flavored popcorn, I can only indulge my tin-love through tea.

2. Proper accessories

Michele got me this necklace for Christmas:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is so insanely cute and delicious looking that I have to snack every time I look at it. So basically I can ONLY wear it for afternoon tea. There are similarly awesome items available on the designer’s website, in case you are in the habit of taking your fashion tips from me. And why wouldn’t you be, when I wear stuff like this?

3. A Light Read

I have spoken of my love for Coralie Bickford-Smith many a time, but anyone who regularly socializes with me knows that I have no problem repeating myself. For Christmas this year my folks bought me the Coralie Bickford-Smith edition of Jabberwocky and Other Nonsense: The Collected Poems of Lewis Carroll:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve long wanted to own a copy of, for example, “The Hunting of the Snark” (which I’ve never even read, can you believe it?), but I was waiting for the right edition to come along. This is definitely it. You need something great but also light to read during afternoon tea, and this is perfect.

And I know some people choose to socialize during afternoon tea but come on, Richie Rich, this ain’t Downton Abbey. In my home we drink our tea in silence, because our husband is at work and we worry that the neighbors will hear us through the walls if we start talking to lamps and stuff.

4. The Perfect Tea Snack

For Christmas this year, Gene and I agreed to only get each other food-based stocking stuffers as gifts. Among other things, he gave me a bag of these cookies, which are smaller versions of the cookies he and Clark fell in love with during their time in Amsterdam:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They look like cardboard but they taste like the magic of childhood. Like, you know when you’re reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as a kid and you have no idea what Turkish Delight is, but it sounds like the most amazing food ever? And then as an adult you find out what it is and you have to waste a day of your life feeling bad for English children because they’re obviously raised without access to proper sweets and will basically sell their souls to the White Witch for what Wikipedia calls “a gel of starch and sugar”? Well, these cookies are what Turkish Delight should taste like, according to your childish dreams.

And Clark, if you’re reading this, you should know two things. One: Gene bought these at Cost Plus World Market. And two: you should definitely buy yourself some right away. Maybe you are thinking “I’ll just wait until we visit the kids next month; they’ll probably have one or two left to share with us.” Ha ha! It’s so cute that you think that. No, these will be gone by the end of this post.

5. Vitamin C

Who was the marketing genius who came up with Cuties? Give that dude a medal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am no great fan of oranges, but when you put a bunch of them in a cunning net bag and slap some version of the word CUTE on them in giant letters, I will eat them by the truckload. This would work for just about any food, I think. I would eat a vat of kale if someone tied a ribbon around it and wrote ADORBS on it. I would eat an ocean’s worth of tuna if the can claimed it to be THE PUPPY OF THE SEA. (Or, wait, would I? That might be going too far.)

Anyway, a couple of cuties helps ward off sickness and helps disguise the inherently gross flavor of tea. So I recommend it.

And that is all you need to have a great afternoon tea break, according to me. I’m no Englishman but I am almost invariably right about things, so I think you can consider me an expert. Enjoy!

 

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