General
Uh huh.
“And if you go way, way back in ancient Chinese texts, you find references to this all over the place,” said my cowboy boss. “It’s the reason that Chinese people tend to have a bigger gap between their thumbs and first fingers.” “So, what you’re telling me is…” “Way back in B.C., Chinese people had … Continue reading
A small, surly gnome
Written in response to this article, which really should be read first. Will teens stop using electricity? I first heard about using my parents’ electricity in middle school. Up until that point, I had assumed that my television and toaster were being run by a small, surly gnome that lived in the wall. But in … Continue reading
Ballad for Brian Danny (a.k.a. Dick Bag, Jr.)
The Asian You I dreamt of you last night You had gotten in a fight But you used your barbed-wire bangs to win the day Today out of the blue This Chinese guy looked just like you I guess I saw the Asian you today CHORUS: Yes, I know you’re Caucasian But you do look … Continue reading
Happy Anniversary, Lad
Saturday marked the ten year anniversary of my long, tortured history with the Lad. We went camping. It seemed appropriate because: Both our history and this trip have caused us physical pain. Both have left us breathless. Both have taught us that we can make do with less than we thought we could. And both … Continue reading
No Rudesby
‘I wore a bridal gown to my ex-boyfriend’s birthday party’ must be the first sentence of someone’s dystopic memoirs. However, the invitation did say formal wear, and I am no rudesby. An ex-boyfriend’s birthday party has many things in common with a high school reunion, but the main thing is that you want to arrive … Continue reading
Oh, my virgin eyes.
My Russian coworker just flashed me. She was talking about how she wished she was wearing the summery cotton frock that I am wearing, and then she said “I should walk around like this” and rolled her Russian shirt up to walk around in her Russian bra.
Beat it
“We’re going to be so miserable in about two minutes,” I said, as our air conditioned car glided through Napa’s excrutiating heat wave, two minutes away from our destination. “Let’s see how bad it is,” said the Lad, turning off the air conditioning and opening all the windows. Sean and I were shocked and awed … Continue reading
Howard who?
Like many of my clove smoking college brethren, I’m having a hard time understanding politics these days. I decided to do a little research to try and get a handle on things. The Moms is strongly in favor of Howard Dean, and pretty much has threatened to disown me if I don’t vote for him, … Continue reading
Dear Johnny,
I hear you wrote good songs And I’m sorry that you’ve stopped Now I’ll never get to write to you In my celebrity writing workshop Now I won’t see you play concerts Or jam live on MTV Because the wake of nine-eleven Has swept you out to sea Sure, I don’t own your albums But … Continue reading
My too much fun is not having enough
This weekend I found a Waiters On Wheels catalogue which lists dozens and dozens of wonderful restaurants that are willing to deliver right to my very door. To a semi-agoraphobic, this catalogue is crack cocaine. A couple of nights ago I had a dream that all my friends told me I had a drinking problem, … Continue reading