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Howard who?

Posted by on September 19, 2003

Like many of my clove smoking college brethren, I’m having a hard time understanding politics these days. I decided to do a little research to try and get a handle on things.

The Moms is strongly in favor of Howard Dean, and pretty much has threatened to disown me if I don’t vote for him, so his website was my first stop. According to the biggest headline on the main page of site, Howard is in favor of Democracy, Freedom and Action. I am definitely in favor of those second two, but I’m not sure about Democracy, because there’s this whole socialist group on campus that puts up a lot of flyers and I’ve been sort of meaning to check them out. Are socialism and democracy in the same category? I would know if I went to those meetings. Howard Dean gets an arbitrary rating of three out of five.

Next stop: the President. George’s website’s banner has a quote from the man himself, as follows: “When government and landowners and conservationists and others work together, we can make dramatic progress in preserving the beauty and the quality of our environment.” I didn’t really follow this sentence, but I like the environment, and I am definitely in favor of beauty and drama. I also like that “the voters” are not being required to take action on this very important but also kind of dull issue. Although the vague use of “others” has a threatening sound that I don’t much like. I’ll give George four out of five for his use of a complete sentence.

I looked up Ralph Nader but he doesn’t appear to be running for president. I guess we don’t really need a Green Party candidate this time though, since George seems to have the environment covered. But even though this candidate is clearly superfluous, I’m still giving the party two out of five. Because weed is green and I fully support the weed-based culture of college students.

I clicked three different links on the Libertarian Party’s site and couldn’t figure out who they’re running this time around. But they still get one out of five because their name sort of sounds like “liberal” and I’m preprogrammed to hand out my voting candy to anything wearing that mask.

After my tedious quarter hour of research, George is the clear winner. And it turns out that Arnold isn’t even running for president. So I guess my vote is obvious. Sorry, Moms.

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