Tagged With: Dumb Kris
My doctor said “bronchitis” but all I heard was “vindication.”
You know how as soon as the mechanic opens the hood and listens for the pinging noise, your car absolutely refuses to do it anymore? It’s the same for me and doctors, kind of. As soon as I make an appointment to see a doctor, I start feeling better. I start thinking “Don’t waste this … Continue reading
Conversation at the Library Book Sale
Kris: “I can’t buy all three of these Martha Stewart Christmas craft books.” Michele: “You really can’t.” Kris: “I mean, hardbacks are $4 apiece, and these are all hardcover.” Michele: “Right.” Kris: “So I’ll just buy…two of them.” Michele: “I can’t even fathom how you could have picked up a Martha Stewart Christmas book, much … Continue reading
Step-ins
Gene: Blah blah blah Randy Savage. Me: Ha ha! Randy Savage. ‘Step into a Slim Jim.’ *crickets* Gene: Did you just say ‘step into a Slim Jim’? Me: Yes? Gene: Not snap into a Slim Jim? Me: Uh… Gene: What is this, like Slim Jim-themed lingerie? ‘Excuse me, I’m going to go step into a … Continue reading
I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
Last night I dreamed I found raccoons in our basement. Given the general brass balls of the Alameda raccoons, it’s not impossible that this will prove prophetic, but I think it was more likely my brain reminding me that I still have a load of laundry in the dryer waiting to be folded. Housewife dreams, … Continue reading
Don’t Panic
I’m going to add one more item to my list of decorous behavior: Invest in some really high-quality, modest pajamas and wear only those when sleeping or lounging around the house. BECAUSE, if you come downstairs at 9:30 in the morning and find the front door is unlocked and standing wide open and you are … Continue reading
In Which: I nearly burn the house down over our heads
Coffee addiction, it turns out, is not psychosomatic. Yesterday I made coffee, I waited for coffee, and then I somehow forgot to drink coffee. And I was exhausted, cranky and headachey all day without knowing why. And if you’re keeping track, yes, I nearly burned the house down over our heads by leaving the coffee … Continue reading
All I need
Alas for my life, Ikea was designed with me in mind, because I am completely fascinated by almost all housewares and I have no sense of direction. It is perfectly possible for me to go around in the same loop in Ikea three or four times because I find new stuff to look at each … Continue reading
On Target
Me: Today I was in Target and I had amassed a little basket of random stuff. And then I looked down at my basket and realized I didn’t need ANY of that stuff, and I put it down and walked out. Gene: Nice! Me: I do feel bad for whatever employee had to re-stock everything … Continue reading
Switcheroo
I was idly skimming yet another one of those fashion articles you see every year around this time that tells you what kind of bathing suit to buy to hide your figure flaws. And I realized for the first time that maybe they aren’t flaws. Maybe that’s just your figure. Why is what the magazines … Continue reading
Strategy
I was reading this and I’m just going to throw this out there: my best worst pickup line, when I had a use for such things, was pretty consistently “Are you waiting for your girlfriend or are you going to buy me a drink?” But when in a hurry, I would also go with “So, … Continue reading