Fun with TV

Gene: Wait, what’s Buffy doing here? I thought you were watching Angel.

Kris: I am. It’s a crossover episode. Sometimes one of them comes to the other one’s show and it’s called a crossover.

Gene: Oh.

Angel: Dammit, Buffy, you can’t just come into MY town…

Gene: …on MY show, and start throwing your weight around. Get back to your own show!

Kris: This is MY forty-two minutes! Mine! That blond detective? MY blond detective! These sidekicks? MY sidekicks!

Buffy: You HIT me!

Gene: Whoa, he hit her.

Kris: She hit him first.

Gene: MY show, dammit!

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Restoring Law and Order in Iraq

Today, the Chronicle reported on American soldiers’ efforts to bring safety and security to the people of Iraq:

A platoon sergeant warned [an Iraqi family] that the kidnappers might be back to finish the job and that the Americans could not provide permanent guards. […] “If I were you, I’d sit in here with a rifle, and if anyone comes through that door, shoot them in the head,” the sergeant told [the family]. “You’ve got to protect yourself.”

The military continues to display a strong show of support of the Iraqi criminal justice system. They have had no luck restoring the popular series Law & Order to the Iraqi airwaves, however.

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Go lie down, stupid.

Me: I mean, I’m just starting to wonder what’s the point of trying to launch this writing career. What’s the point of trying to be a writer, you know?

Gene: Uh huh.

Me: Or of anything really. If we’re just going to die. Eventually. What is the point of doing anything.

Gene: Uh huh.

Me: All you can affect is other humans. No one is watching.

Gene: Uh huh.

Me: And so I just think, why do any of us even get born, you know?

Gene: How much wine did you have?

Me: Some.

Gene: …

Me: And yours.

Gene: …

Me: I switched glasses when your back was turned.

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I don’t have time to fool around with you circus animals

I’ve got my first assignment for the new paper. (Which will not replace the old paper, never fear. Dogz 4 Lyfe!) I’ll need to do three interviews for this article, which of course scares the hell out of me. All interviews scare the hell out of me. Seriously, journalism is maybe the worst idea you could have. What genius said to himself “hey, writers are incredibly introverted. That’s why they become writers and not, you know, circus clowns. Let’s invent a profession that requires writers to go out into the world every day and talk to complete strangers about their lives. Eh? Eh?”

And while we are pondering weird things, ponder this: I’m now writing for a dog newspaper and a gay newspaper. I am not gay and I don’t own a dog. Explain that if you can.

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And my shoes were scuffed

I keep thinking back to an interview I had, back when I was looking for an administrative job. The interview was at a temp agency, and the woman who “interviewed” me spent most of our conversation making comments about my wardrobe.

“When you come in for an interview, you need to dress appropriately.” I was wearing a white button-up shirt and black slacks. (Incidentally, that is a word I really hate. Slacks. Bleh.) “You should buy a black suit and wear that to interviews.” She studied my earlobes, currently sporting a modest set of silver hoops. A little too blingy, apparently. “No jewelry at all,” she instructed me. “And maybe a little makeup? Lipstick and eyeliner are always good.” I hated her of course, but made good use of her advice, successfully interviewing my way into the Company X admin job I cheerfully loathed for nine months.

Today I had an interview for a job as a freelance reporter with a local paper, my first job interview in two years. I still don’t own a black suit, but I have a brown one, so I got all respectabled in my suit and my lack of jewelry. I was reaching for the lipstick when I caught sight of myself in the mirror.

Is this me? Kristen Larson, intrepid girl reporter? HELL no. I threw on a pair of jeans, some flashy jewelry, tossed the lipstick, let my hair down, and nailed that interview to the wall. And I got that job this very day. Oh yes. I walked back to the MUNI, swinging my hair around in the wind and smiling.

Fuck you, temp lady.

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It sounded cooler last night

This is the poem I wrote in my dream last night:

Although we like wine so much better,

We can’t deny water is wetter.

…Still working on those articles.

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Zen Sex

Our friend comes over. “Who’s reading Zen Sex?” he asks.*

“I’ll give you three guesses,” I say.

“Gene?” he guesses.

“No.”

“Gene?”

I laugh. “No.”

“Gene?”

“…Yes.”

We both laugh. We both pause. “Really?” he says.

This post was brought to you by me having two articles due tomorrow.

*It was on sale for two dollars. And I thought it might be funny. I follow the Way of the Bargain.

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Eggs, germs, and a line of cape-wearing Goth kids

I had one of those perfect days yesterday, where food and weather and mood and sports and friends combine to make exactly the right kind of happiness, so good that I don’t even mind coming down with this death cold everyone seems to be passing around.

Favorite moments from yesterday’s pre-Easter picnic:

Gene spent some time pondering how to dry himself after riding the water rides on our upcoming Great America trip. Adam suggested wearing a triathalon outfit — speedo under bike shorts — while Christine was advocating waterproof pants. Dianna trumped both ideas by suggesting he cover himself with ducks. “How would you attach them?” Gene wondered. “Duck tape!” I yelled. Later, we decided the animal suit should probably be made of fish, although there is no such thing as fish tape.

A group of four Goth kids showed up and performed some weird rituals near our group, including standing in a straight line facing us for an eerie thirty seconds, which I think was just their way of acknowledging we’d been staring at them. After a few minutes, a group of skater kids came along, looking like a rival gang in their black skater gear. “It’s a rumble!” I cried, causing the Goths to form their line at me again.

Adam brought a drinks cooler full of mimosa, which he continually replenished from his OJ and champagne stashes in the car. “He doesn’t run out of things,” Gene noted. “I like this about him.” I invited everyone to feel grateful that he is a wine buyer for Cost Plus, instead of an incense buyer or a small giraffe statue buyer. Since Adam has joined us, the volume of our social drinking has doubled. It’s excellent.

Kim offered to share the sourdough bread yeast she has. Gene theorized that this is like buying a kitten and then offering to give part of it away. “You know, we have an expert on kittens sitting right here,” I said. “Michele?”

“Sourdough bread yeast is nothing like a kitten,” Michele said with authority.

“With your hair like that, you look like a character on the WB,” Gene said thoughtfully. What with the kitten question and the WB comment, it was Michele’s best moment.

I attempted to play both badminton and baseball and realized once and for all that having bangs hanging over one eye is simply not functional. It’s a testament to the kind of life I lead that it’s taken me several months to come to this conclusion; apparently my hand-eye coordination requirements are pretty limited these days.

To be fair, even without the bangs I am still fairly terrible at badminton and baseball.

Thanks to Michele, pictures of the day are here.

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Beers for Fears

I got liked on by a cute boy at Safeway today. I was wearing my most flattering dress, which might account for it, or perhaps he was admiring my choice of Safeway Select brand mayonnaise. “That is a thrifty girl,” he might have been thinking, “and thrift is totally hot.” At least I was not buying anything too embarrassing, like that one girl Sean liked on years ago.

I’ve lost my guydar, I think. He had to follow me to the fish counter, the bread shelves, the cheese bin and the checkout line before I noticed that his basket contained neither fish nor bread nor cheese and realized that perhaps he was following me for personal reasons. I did my best to avoid eye contact, staring studiously at the card-swiping device. “I’ve just GOT to get this card swiped on the first try,” I seemed to be thinking, and maybe making a mental pro/con list of getting cash back. Not until I had hastily stuffed my groceries into my backpack did I venture a half-smile, followed by immediate flight.

I did notice he was buying a lot of beer, which made me wonder if I only attract a certain type of guy now. Then I considered inviting him and his beer back to our place, where we have only one beer left, and concluded that I’ve actually become that type of guy. Cheers.

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Ch-ch-changes

Since living with Gene, my habits have changed to suit his lifestyle. Here are just three examples of the old Gene and the new me:

1. Gene has long been a proponent of generic purchases; I still feel brand loyalty, but my loyalty is now exclusively reserved for Safeway Select products. I even purchase Safeway Select coffee, even though it’s fairly awful, because it’s something like $3 a can. (Gene’s parents, who maintain their brand loyalty to Chock Full o’Nuts, still compliment my coffee whenever they come over. Initially I typed that as “Chock Full o’Nits,” which I think would be a good monkey coffee name if you ever need one.)

2. I no longer fear sandwiches. My whole life, I’ve been a sandwich purist; hardly anything at all goes on my sandwiches, and usually it’s just cheese between bread slices. But now and then Gene — whose close friends once identified “sandwiches” as his number one character flaw — asks me to make him a sandwich on a weekend. Suddenly my own sandwiches are towering stacks of ingredients. We both get excited when it’s time for a sandwich, and sometimes I do a little dance.

3. I am more value-conscious, or “cheaper,” than I used to be. For example, my ten year high school reunion is happening in October and I’m trying to decide whether or not to attend. Not because I’m afraid of meeting old classmates, but because it’s sure to cost money. How much is this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity worth to me? Twenty dollars? Forty dollars? If there was a Safeway Select version of the reunion, I’d be a lot happier.

(Incidentally, if you haven’t yet gotten the reunion evite and you want to, contact me and I’ll forward it.)

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