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Secure Tracker And Reading System. System Tech Admin Readout Setter. Soup Truck Armadillo Ransom Slip’n’slide.

Gene is on a conference call in the next room and I just heard him say, in a completely serious tone, “Oh, I just let stars tell me what to pay attention to.” I’m sure that “stars” is actually some kind of acronym for a task-management program but in my over-active imagination Gene has a … Continue reading »

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Face/Off

“You’re so lucky you don’t have to wear makeup,” my hairdresser told me. “Don’t have to, I dunno,” I said. “But I mostly don’t wear it.” “It must be great,” she said. “Now me, when I go swimming my whole face comes off.”

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Correction

Friend: “I actually met Jonathan Franzen once. I said the worst, dumbest possible thing.” Me: “Which is?” Friend: “‘Oh, hi, I’m a big fan!’” Me: “Nah, I think the worst thing you can say to Jonathan Franzen is ‘Oh, hi! I thought Infinite Jest was great.’”

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The perfect hair in ten easy steps

Step one: Find a hairstylist you really like who gives you the most flattering haircut you’ve had in several years.                     My face looks weird here but my hair is flawless. So bouncy! Step two: Call to make a follow-up appointment six weeks later. Step three: … Continue reading »

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GChat

Didofoot: If I showed you the pile of dust I just removed from the bedroom Didofoot: you would be like “no way. NO. WAY.” Didofoot:¬†and then you would scream Didofoot: and then you would throw up Didofoot: and then you would leave me Gene: wow Didofoot: Also I stuck googly eyes on the dust so … Continue reading »

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Estate

Gene: “My friend just bought a one-point-two million dollar home in San Francisco.” Kris: “So…an apartment, then?”

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A trip to the seaside

On a recent visit to a lighthouse, Michele and I came across a series of these signs. They posed a bunch of whale-related questions without answering any of them. “I know this one!” Michele said, all excited. “It’s babies. They all have babies outside their bodies!” “Ew, what? I don’t have a baby on the … Continue reading »

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You’re all right, LaRusso.

Kris: “My piano teacher gave me the same song for homework for the third week in a row. I do not understand this song. It makes no sense to me. I can’t learn it. Why can’t I just move on from this song?” Gene: “Maybe she’s Miyagi-ing you.” Kris: “That occurred to me. But if … Continue reading »

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The branching

You know how sometimes another driver will come this close to hitting you, or you’ll just barely avoid tripping as you go down the stairs? Not often — you don’t have a close shave every day — but just now and then? And it’s such a close call that you can actually feel another timeline … Continue reading »

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Table for one

Rachel: “Wait, how fancy is this dinner place? I didn’t bring fancy clothes.” Kris: “Ha! Oh, no dude, this is Santa Cruz. Believe me, you will be the best-dressed person in this restaurant.” Jason: “Yeah, you know how at some restaurants they give you a coat and tie to wear if you don’t have them? … Continue reading »

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