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Secure Tracker And Reading System. System Tech Admin Readout Setter. Soup Truck Armadillo Ransom Slip’n’slide.
Gene is on a conference call in the next room and I just heard him say, in a completely serious tone, “Oh, I just let stars tell me what to pay attention to.” I’m sure that “stars” is actually some kind of acronym for a task-management program but in my over-active imagination Gene has a … Continue reading
Face/Off
“You’re so lucky you don’t have to wear makeup,” my hairdresser told me. “Don’t have to, I dunno,” I said. “But I mostly don’t wear it.” “It must be great,” she said. “Now me, when I go swimming my whole face comes off.”
Correction
Friend: “I actually met Jonathan Franzen once. I said the worst, dumbest possible thing.” Me: “Which is?” Friend: “‘Oh, hi, I’m a big fan!’” Me: “Nah, I think the worst thing you can say to Jonathan Franzen is ‘Oh, hi! I thought Infinite Jest was great.’”
The perfect hair in ten easy steps
Step one: Find a hairstylist you really like who gives you the most flattering haircut you’ve had in several years. My face looks weird here but my hair is flawless. So bouncy! Step two: Call to make a follow-up appointment six weeks later. Step three: … Continue reading
GChat
Didofoot: If I showed you the pile of dust I just removed from the bedroom Didofoot: you would be like “no way. NO. WAY.” Didofoot: and then you would scream Didofoot: and then you would throw up Didofoot: and then you would leave me Gene: wow Didofoot: Also I stuck googly eyes on the dust so … Continue reading
Estate
Gene: “My friend just bought a one-point-two million dollar home in San Francisco.” Kris: “So…an apartment, then?”
A trip to the seaside
On a recent visit to a lighthouse, Michele and I came across a series of these signs. They posed a bunch of whale-related questions without answering any of them. “I know this one!” Michele said, all excited. “It’s babies. They all have babies outside their bodies!” “Ew, what? I don’t have a baby on the … Continue reading
You’re all right, LaRusso.
Kris: “My piano teacher gave me the same song for homework for the third week in a row. I do not understand this song. It makes no sense to me. I can’t learn it. Why can’t I just move on from this song?” Gene: “Maybe she’s Miyagi-ing you.” Kris: “That occurred to me. But if … Continue reading
The branching
You know how sometimes another driver will come this close to hitting you, or you’ll just barely avoid tripping as you go down the stairs? Not often — you don’t have a close shave every day — but just now and then? And it’s such a close call that you can actually feel another timeline … Continue reading
Table for one
Rachel: “Wait, how fancy is this dinner place? I didn’t bring fancy clothes.” Kris: “Ha! Oh, no dude, this is Santa Cruz. Believe me, you will be the best-dressed person in this restaurant.” Jason: “Yeah, you know how at some restaurants they give you a coat and tie to wear if you don’t have them? … Continue reading