General
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I’m sitting under eight menacing paper hearts which I hung from our ceiling because I figured it would be a good way to fulfill my Valentine responsibilities. The intended impact was a room fluttering with a kind of lacey, helpless, Victorian love, the whole roof sighing and rustling its skirts. Unfortunately, I could only reach … Continue reading
A little zooey
I’ve got the country cousin of a fierce cold. The cold itself would have knocked me on my ass but the cousin is more hesitant and contents itself with scratching its initials on the back of my throat where it thinks no one will notice and stomping aerobically around my head where it thinks no … Continue reading
Happy birthday, Michele!
I’ll take ye under the sea t’be me BRIDE! (For I am a silkie.) My friend Muppet, you have tirelessly butt-danced your way through 26 years on behalf of all the children, and I for one am here to say: thank you. Thank you and your butt-dancing foundation. I hope you will continue to dance … Continue reading
Didofoot smites the unbeliever
“Um, hi! I was just wondering if you have accepted Jesus into your heart?” asked a meek Asian girl (and why are they always Asian?). “No,” I said. “Thor pretty much takes up all the room in my heart these days.” “Oh, well, um, we like discussing other points of view, so if you want … Continue reading
You know you were thinking it
“For example,” said my Anthro prof, “if you were doing an ethnography of American culture, you might ask something like: what’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?” An embarrassed wave of silence swept over us which practically etched the word MASTURBATE in the air.
From beneath you it devours
We have a new neighbor. She’s been living in the apartment underneath ours for a few weeks now, so I’m not in a position to say much about her except what I can glean from leaning casually out the back door to listen in on her loud phone conversations. The only thing I really know … Continue reading
A story of fuck
Escaped, triumphant, from the office at 3:30 on Friday, barely pausing to violate my hug sanctions with my officemates, not sure I got all the personal stuff off the computer, striding back to BART in the certain knowledge that I am done forever (or the next five months) with commuting, two trains, scenery, traffic light, … Continue reading
Northern review you twist is Olivia always
Today is my last day in this job. I know that once I’m gone my soul will have a chance to finally grow back after years of enduring bureacratic termites, but it’s sort of hard to get excited about that because it’s such a nebulous thing and, after all, I’ve done without it for this … Continue reading
Jerry, the pot-bellied
I’m holding auditions for some new thoughts in my reality show brain. The old cast was extremely popular with viewers in the 7 – 13 year old set, but management has decided that it would be beneficial to begin attracting a slightly older demographic. Say farewell to the boy-crazy Sasha, whose signature hair-twirling and grating … Continue reading
It is a new world!
After three years, I’ve decided it’s finally time to class Carthage up a bit. Sadly, to me class = New England bed & breakfast. If I could, I would include wallpaper of tasteful blue posies and a small bottle of that shampoo/conditioner two-in-one stuff that both tangles and greases up your hair. I hope that … Continue reading