Author Archives: didofoot
“Say banana!” “Bananar.”
Our new FedEx guy at work sounds like the fifth Beatle. “My goodness,” I said to him when we met, “your vowels certainly are long!” “Loo-ah-ung?” he said. Because he’s also a comely fellow of many tattoos, I have taken to sexually harrassing him in a way which is only possible with someone with an … Continue reading
Princess Toadstool and the world of letters
Litquake is happening this week. For those of you who did not, like me, stumble across this in the paper yesterday while waiting for the nice girl to toast your bagel, Litquake is an annual week-long celebration of (I think) local writers. Lots of readings and so forth. I checked out the website today and … Continue reading
My wit’s diseased
I am a tourist from Idaho. You are all my husband. We stand before the foreign monument of my cold. As with every illness I have dragged you to see, I am fascinated, enthralled, hooked by the rarity. I think it is plumb cute, is what. “Hon,” I say, “would you look at those clogged … Continue reading
Think pink
Yesterday I called my advisor about possible ways to enroll me in this here recalcitrant Syntax.* “Just go to the next lecture tonight,” she said, “and ask the professor to enroll you. Try being really sweet.” “Ok, I can do that,” I said. There was a worried pause. “I know you can do irony,” she … Continue reading
Y cladd in mightie armes and siluer shielde
I enrolled for classes the first minute I was allowed to do it, but still my Syntax class was already full. However, I was first on the waitlist and I am a graduating senior. My enrollment was a shoe-in. Weirdly the ten thousand other people packing into the classroom on Tuesday night seemed to think … Continue reading
I can see for miles and miles from up here on this horse
The longer I work with educators, the more I realize why Americans are making stupidized with the English languagings. I keep being handed documents to type which make my English-lit-studyin’ heart want to break. These educators do the most awful things to words. They add an “s” to a verb to make it a noun–i.e. … Continue reading
James and the giant vocabulary
After years of avoiding him, I’m finally taking James Joyce for a spin. I made the decision once I’d exhausted all my Trollope. After he limped off the floor, I was looking around for a partner and there was James, as usual, sitting shyly against the wall on an uncomfortable folding shelf, watching me eagerly. … Continue reading
In brief
My cell rings. I glance at my caller ID, see that it is my friend from work, and answer thusly: “Idiot.” [Stunned silence.] “This way,” I explain, “the conversation can only get better from here.”
Run mad as often as you chuse
Last night the Lad and I found ourselves at Slim’s for the Dick Dale show. Once the opener, Thirsty, had cleared out and most of the heavy metal fans had left or faded to the back, the Lad and I were suddenly surrounded by men in their 50’s; men with grizzled hair and Hawaiian shirts … Continue reading
A Didofoot was pricking on the plaine…
I bought my books for my fall classes today, so now I’m a little nervous. For half of my swan song at State I’ll be taking “The Structure of Language,” a course the English department chairman actually warned me away from. “It’s a syntax course,” he said doubtfully. What, do I have a big neon … Continue reading