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“Say banana!” “Bananar.”

Posted by on October 19, 2005

Our new FedEx guy at work sounds like the fifth Beatle. “My goodness,” I said to him when we met, “your vowels certainly are long!”

“Loo-ah-ung?” he said.

Because he’s also a comely fellow of many tattoos, I have taken to sexually harrassing him in a way which is only possible with someone with an accent. “When I coomb he-ah, I want you wee-ay-uh-tin’ at the doo-ah-r for me with a cuppa tea anna scone,” he told me.

“Say scone again!” I shrieked like a harpy, transported with excitement. “And take off your shirt!”

Today we talked about how the U.S. is getting worse and worse, with the guns and the mee-ay-nee-acs. “I’d like t’find a smoo-ahll island t’roon off to,” he told me. I suggested England, but apparently that was not what he had in mind.

In other news, you’ll all be interested to hear that the Lad and I have been seriously talking about having a baby. I’ve really been wanting one for the past couple of hours, so we shot a few emails back and forth on the subject. This might have something to do with niece Allegra’s recent charming and drooly visit (she’s a gummer of other peoples’ knuckles, a ridiculously adorable habit which I hope she abandons before she enters the workforce). Or it might be because I’ve been playing Yoshi’s Island nonstop on SNES lately, and taking care of infant Mario is casting a little shadow onto my biological sundial. So far the Lad is holding firm against my lifelong desire for a child of my womb and he says we can’t get a turtle either so I don’t really know why I even stay in this relationship.

I asked the FedEx guy if he wanted to have a baby with me, and I’m pretty sure his answer, hiding behind a forest of vowels, was in the affirmative. So at least I’ve always got that to fall back on.

19 Responses to “Say banana!” “Bananar.”

  1. michele

    tuuuumba! maniacal laughter!

    once in college a dood named tumba asked erica to run away with him to his island. possibly the island was named tumba and not him. or maybe they were both named tumba.

    tyler was in my house today. IN MY HOUSE. grah! he’s so adorable! i want a baby! geeee-eeeene!

  2. kati

    For just a second there- perhaps because of the non-sequiter- I thought you were being serious about the baby thing.

    …and I fell out of my chair.

    It took me a good couple minutes to recover from that one. Careful now.

  3. jason

    I thought you were serious, too, and I gasped. And then I was sad. I´m a big supporter of both proposed acquisitions: baby and British baby maker. Ellie´s on board (with the first part at least). Why can´t you be? Are you better than Ellie?

  4. Dianna

    I think you have a more interesting class of delivery people than I do. Me, I just have the UPS guy who laughs Santa-Claus style at every single thing I say (really, everything, including “see you later”) and the printing company guy who’s always trying to shake my damn hands. No charming accents, a general dearth of tattoos, and nary a reproductive offer to be found.

    I’m with Gene, by the way. No babies. Get a parrot or something.

  5. michele

    “ca va coco?” no parrots.

  6. Dianna

    Well, my first thought was a cat, but I’m trying to suggest a reasonable substitute here, not a punishment for the suggestion. It’s not my fault they’re allergic to cute fuzzy things. Lizards? Koi? Hedgehogs?

    But please no babies. Have you guys noticed how you don’t mention Ellie around here anymore without mentioning Tyler? Do you recall what Gene was attempting to explain at the October-birthdays shindig? You would cease to be people and become The Baby’s Parents; your house would be The Baby’s House, and visits to it would be visits to the baby. Let me be the first (and possibly only) to say, screw that.

  7. jason

    Okay sure, they ruin your life, but in the CUTEST way possible.

  8. michele

    no, i do things with just ellie sometimes. for her birthday we abandoned the baby and went to the SF public library book sale and had an AWESOME time. so as long as you have someone else to look after the kid occasionally, you’re not inseperable.

    besides it’s much like anything else to get used to about a person. people have to constantly adjust to my hair or other people’s dating partners. when you came along it suddenly became you and jacob and no longer just jacob and we all adjusted to that. i didn’t say “screw you, dianna.” and stop hanging out with you and jacob.

  9. michele

    p.s. also the reason tyler was at my house was because i needed to see him and not ellie. i’m making his halloween costume and we were doing stuff for that. so see, i can even interact with tyler on an individual basis and not thru ellie. he likes me now. he chased me all over the fabric store and if only he had a bigger vocabulary we could carry on a fantastic conversation, i am sure. as it is though he can say “no” and “b-si-ba”. that last one is baseball in case you were wondering. and it is tyler’s most fervent wish to play a game with everybody. he will be the one with a plastic tennis racket playing what looks more like polo. without the horse. or the accuracy.

  10. didofoot

    no, actually, we will all be that one. tyler will probably be star of the team in fact.

  11. sean

    Michele, I know you don’t say, “Screw you, Dianna”, but don’t you think you’d be even less likely to do so if Dianna occasionally dressed up in an elephant costume?

  12. kati

    I’m with dianna: screw that.

    I vote you get a snake.

  13. Dianna

    Michele, I do, of course, appreciate your refraining from saying “screw you, Dianna”. But I beg to point out that I don’t generally drool, scream, dominate conversations or demand attention in a way that redefines Jacob as Dianna’s Boyfriend. At 90% of the social events which you and I have both attended, I have been hiding in the corner eating cookies and participating occasionally in whatever general conversations have come up.

    My point is that babies do not do this, except possibly eating cookies if they are available. Take my extended family as an example. My aunts and uncles have had various spouses and significant others for as long as I can remember, but it wasn’t until they started having kids that family gatherings began to revolve utterly around the children to the exclusion of sanity and normal conversation. I shrink from the thought of the CH crew’s social gatherings going the same route.

  14. michele

    i think she would make an excellent giraffe. dianna, PLEASE dress up as a giraffe. i saw a pattern just yesterday for a giraffe. it was wicked cute. tyler is going to be max from where the wild things are. nothing can beat that cuteness, but a giraffe might come close.

    ack! jacob could be a tree!

  15. Dianna

    Oh jeez.

    Michele, do you realize that I already had a costume idea, I’ve got half the things I need for it, it’s nowhere near this cute, and now I’m in a terrible quandary?

  16. michele

    giraffe! tree! the public will not be denied!

    what’s your other idea? the public might be swayed. unless it is a secret idea, in which case the public will reserve the right to resort to indignation upon seeing the not-as-cute-as-giraffe-tree-combo-costume.

  17. nuala

    Total side comment. I just about died from the Ca-va Coco reference. People at work looked at me funny….

  18. didofoot

    bon nuit coco! salut coco! ca va coco?

  19. Dianna

    After some discussion and fine-tuning, I have to conclude that my existing costume idea IS as cute as a giraffe, so no giraffe and tree this year. Not for Halloween, anyway. Arbor Day is another matter entirely.

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