Author Archives: didofoot
I have a sneaking suspicion that reality is taking place somewhere else.
I go to my meeting with the professor I work for, where he tells me I spell badly and I tell him he can check his own voicemail from now on then and he sticks his tongue out at me like a kid. I try not to be impressed by my ability to reduce this … Continue reading
Congratulate me
After over a year of trying, today I was made permanent employee of the University of California at Berkeley. No wonder I am so damn depressed.
Pay my pain
Since my depression continues essentially unabated, I have decided to put it to work. From now on, I am Feelin’ Bad For Breast Cancer. I am looking for sponsors, so if anyone has a dollar or two to spare for this very worthy cause, please drop them my way. Every hour that you pay me … Continue reading
She’s been listening to Coldplay; quick, somebody get her some Julianna Hatfield
I’ve been dizzy all day despite being empirically unpregnant, in a red and final way. I must be pregnant with a ghost child who will not be shaken by this reasonable and scientific flood. And that is what I will tell people, word for word, as an explanation, when I gain 200 pounds and go … Continue reading
“You stare into the mirror That held her painted eye” -Michael Ondaatje
She sees him through the restaurant window, uncertain through the wavering glass and grime. He finishes eating and pushes away his plate, carefully untucks and folds his napkin, lays down some money and leaves the table. She skulks inside when the waitress isn’t looking and his plate is hers. She brings it and his glass … Continue reading
Some of us just don’t have time for a week-long exploration mission in there
In the beginning, there was the male orgasm. The female orgasm was sort of a fortunate afterthought when it happened. Then my mom’s generation came, pun intended, and started squawking about equality in all things. Suddenly, we had noticed we were getting the short end of the stick and men were to blame. Research began. … Continue reading
A Year and Six Days
Happy birthday, Carthage! Pisces Horoscope A pleasant outing could get delayed or cancelled due to an event entirely out of your control. Rather than having a fit, dear Pisces, you and your friends could seize the opportunity to do something completely wild and different. You could take in a matinee of the scariest movie in … Continue reading
The reason I never leave my house
I pre-ordered season four of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD. It’s that kind of life I’m having.
From the last two minutes of a very special episode of “The Fresh Prince of D.C.”
“Son, what you and Tony did to Iraq was wrong. Do you understand? You just can’t always go to war. Sometimes it’s better to talk things through, and ask me for help if you need it.” “I guess I really messed up this time, huh, Uncle Voters?” “It’s okay, son. Everyone makes mistakes, and I … Continue reading
Insomnia last night makes for a pissed didofoot
For a while now I have been unhappy about my eyebrows, mainly due to how several of my friends have in recent months expressed in one form or another their intense hatred for the caterpillars quote ruining my face. I look around and see how every woman I know without exception (and even some of … Continue reading