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Killing weevils for Jesus

Posted by on November 7, 2003

Once again I find myself somewhere in the Midwest, hiding in a dusty hayloft from the gun-slinging representatives of my mortal enemies, the Yakuza. But nothing can stop the tireless clattering of my keyboard in pursuit of a few small paragraphs to brighten the days of my faithful readers.

Okay, faithful reader. Hi, Mom.

As you probably know, I have fallen afoul of the Yakuza more than once in my short life. How did it happen this time, you wonder? Well, I’ll tell you. Inspired by the success of my first chair kicking, I went on to kick another chair yesterday at the new Matrix movie. Two guys in front of me were yakking their way through the last scene, so I went right ahead and boot-whacked the back of the nearest seat.

Well, it turns out these gentlemen were not small skater boys. Instead, they were heavily armed members of the Yakuza. As a result of my past Yakuza experiences, every Yakuza in the world now has my face memorized, so they immediately recognized me and I was forced to exit the theater hastily, without even hearing the operatic techno nonsense that the Whack-owski Brothers chose to play over the closing credits. So that sucked.

And now here I am, alone in a hayloft which thankfully is within range of a wireless network, with nothing to do but chew straws, daydream, and use my laptop to remotely control the decoy android which is still living my old life back in San Francisco.

I will try to check in every few days. I’m sure the Yakuza will eventually get bored and give up, just like they always do. Until then, please enjoy my android.

(No weevils were harmed in the making of this blog.)

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