Women at Bus Stops

One tugs and tugs at her tunic-length top to cover a perfect behind.

One wears a scowl, hunched shoulders and a cheerful turquoise bandana.

One wears a new outfit and sits up straight, talking to an older man who seems to be holding his breath when he looks at her.

One turns her back to the crowded street and casually yanks at her skirt, freeing her wedgie.

My ears and whiskers, how do the men of this city get anything done when every corner is full of these women? Tenderness swamps me before the bus has driven a block.

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Weird

I think it’s weird that there’s an infinity of porn to be found on the internet and I still spend my lunch hour online-shopping for housewares.

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This is not my $170 cup. Because that is stupid.

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Sweeet.

Boys are giving me sweets today. At my cafe, the cute barrista came over at random — perhaps attracted by my divine glow from having written seven pages — and gave me a free cheesecake cupcake. (“Why is it blue?” I asked like a moron, as if I were an alien only just being introduced to the concept of a frosted cupcake.) And after that, the cute boy at the chocolate store gave me free truffles.

Maybe I should go hover on the street corner looking wistful and see if anyone cute stops his car to hand me a layer cake or plum pudding or something.

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These are totally my sweets.

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Too Many Twinkies

I have too many options. (Suffragettes in graves around the world are rolling over restlessly, or perhaps heaving a finally-satisfied sigh.) I have only to turn on the computer to know that this is true. Because in the computer age, my office (the computer) is also my shopping mall, my newspapers and magazines, my cinema, my water cooler.

Of course you know all this.

But more than that. Because even when I squint my brain into a tight-winched focus, even when I bypass the gossip and the models and the housewares on sale today only and go straight into Microsoft Word, even there I have too many options. Before I even start, rows of icons are offering to emphasize my text, check my errors, capitalize my sentences for me, and am I writing a letter? And would I like help with that?

My personal Moms is awesome, but Word is the hovering, anxious, art-crushing mother I never had, so solicitous to make me lunch, to brainstorm with me, to quash my errors in advance so I get a good grade. I long for the zombie silence of a blank piece of paper.

I will be thirty soon. For god’s sake, somebody buy me a typewriter.

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First two rows may get wet

Attended my first Calshakes performance of the year last night. It must be summer.

A short list of reasons why you ought to see this production of Romeo and Juliet:

1. They are not skimping on the fake blood, especially when

2. Romeo kills Tybalt by beating his head in with a chair.

I was the only one laughing out loud when that happened, but I know plenty of you were laughing on the inside.

Some more reasons:

1. The Calshakes grounds, as you know, are lovely, ringed by fragrant eucalyptus trees and with plenty of space for picnics. It’s a pleasure to watch the light fade over the hills, especially when

2. Romeo is beating Tybalt’s head in with a chair.

“Do you think they’ll act out a little deflowering before the morning-after scene?” I whispered to Gene during intermission. “With a little fountain of fake blood?” Then I did some sound effects. But it was a wonderfully romantic evening in spite of my efforts, what with our gourmet picnic, our microbrew beer and Romeo hitting Tybalt in the face with that chair six or eight times.

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Flight

In an episode of Flight of the Conchords, Dave claims that his parents are actually just an old Indian couple he sub-lets to. “Dude, you think I live with my parents?” he scoffs.

“They’ve got pictures of themselves with you as a kid,” insists a confused Jemaine.

“I know,” Dave nods. “It’s creepy. I think they make ’em on the computer.”

You just assume that Dave, batshit in so many ways, is lying. But what if he wasn’t? There was a whole episode there that never got made. Conchords, you left us too soon.*

*Not that they’re dead or broken up or anything. Just that the show is over.

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Clothespin

Time loses its usual mile markers on an airplane. This is partly because of the catnaps you inadvertently take, the durations of which are unguessable as you awake to a clockless world. And, unlike on public transit, the backs of heads surrounding you remain the same for the entire ride. Minutes and hours have little meaning in such a setting, and time instead becomes measurable by the number of trash collections that the flight attendants offer, by the battery level on your electronic device, by the increasingly sharp vinegar scent of well-used feet.

Project: Devise a way to block out these remaining indications of time passing, so that the flight exists outside of time and you can convince yourself it only took a minute of your unrepeatable life. Close your eyes when the flight attendants pass; turn off your device. Maybe a clothespin for your nose?

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Charlemagne

I’m realizing that the hand stamp you get at a bar or a show is desirable partly because of its compact nature. All your previous evening’s fun exists on the back of your hand, where you can ignore it and get on with your day. Whereas when you wake up still drunk, all you can do is watch the Jonathan Richman Space Ghost episode over and over until you sober up. I’d prefer to carry my fun on my hand instead of in my bloodstream.

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Kids: Still Endangered

The Chron is still doing its thing, I see. Today’s winner: a story about parents who accidentally kill their kids by forgetting to take them out of the car. And second prize goes to a headline: “Father Allegedly Tortured Infant Son.”

I can just see the Chron reporters’ weekly staff meeting. “Okay, Father’s Day is coming up. Guys, what can we do around that theme?”

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The Briny Curse (and Baby Albie)

Last week, Adam’s family’s houseboat on Lake Shasta was taken over by seven pirates. If you’re the sort of pirate who likes to live vicariously through other pirates, our pics are here and Nuala’s are here; I expect Christine and Adam’s will be along shortly.

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