I’ve been thinking about April Fool’s Day. I don’t really enjoy being tricked, so I find it handy to have all the tricking compressed into one day. In fact, I think we should start rounding up more unpleasant stuff and cramming it all into one day a year. Naturally, I began my brainstorming with some of the irritating things I myself do which can and should be curtailed through my new holiday system.
May 14: Drunk Day
I think that boring, rude, angry or messy drunks (such as myself) should only be allowed to get drunk in company every May 14. This wouldn’t prevent Ilk from being forced to listen to a forty-five minute gushing recitation from me about how much I loooove Gene, but at least he would only have to sit through one a year.
December 8: Plot Day
Let’s reserve December 8 for people who want to tell you the plot of their dreams, or of any media they’ve recently seen or read. Everyone knows most dreams are boring, but I bet many people don’t know that it’s very, very dull to listen to an episode of a TV show explained in great detail. Exceptions can be made if you’re responding to a question, but the question better be “What is that show about?” and not “How was the new show?” or “Did you sleep okay?”
Relating a dream about a TV show is never okay, not even when I have serial dreams about being on Gilmore Girls for seven nights running.
“But then Rory was a ghost and they were kissing…”
Image from here.
December 9: Art Day
December 9, the follow-up holiday to Plot Day, will be there for people who want to show you their art. Visual art is usually ok, because it doesn’t require a lengthy time commitment, but people who want you to read their novels or poetry are going to have to wait until the 9th. Unless they are Jason or Sean, or can prove themselves worthy of being classed with Jason and Sean. (This will also prevent me from requiring people to read my blog in order to catch up on my life. Which was a bad system anyway, considering how spotty my posting schedule is.)
This very fun image is from here.
March 25: St. Shutterbug’s Day
On March 25, everyone can pull out their vacation pictures from the previous year and show them around. I actually like photos that people just post online, because I can go through them at my own speed and without shaping my face to look more interested than I maybe am. But otherwise, unless I like you a lot, your photos are exceptionally artistic, or you’re posed with a good-looking celebrity, I just don’t want to sit through an in-person viewing with you.
February 12: Critic’s Day
Let’s set aside February 12 for us to openly criticize one another’s wardrobes, lifestyles and music preferences. Some of us will always want to be wearing a glittery cartoon character t-shirt, and some of us will always be bothered by that, so everyone gets a day to voice their concerns. Remember, you’re making someone feel bad here, so your “it’s for her own good” justification only applies on opposite day. And that, of course, is July 19.