I always figured I’d grow out of my distaste for wearing makeup, like how after you achieve a certain maturity level you no longer own backless shirts or have friends in Santa Barbara. (Then later on you hit another level where you do have friends who live in Santa Barbara, but these are old rich yuppie friends who own homes there, not college kids packed eight to a room in Goleta.)
Only recently did I realize that it’s not a maturity thing. You start wanting to own and wear makeup at the same age that you realize how shiny it is. After all, the word “shimmer” is right there in the names of many, many makeup products. Lip shimmer, shimmery eye powder, body shimmer that you put in your lotion to make your skin all sparkly. Most girls knew about this way back when you could choose between shimmer and glitter, but for me it’s all new and exciting.
I got all crazy and bought a shiny lip gloss a few days ago. Now my lips look like little lengthwise jewels all the time, and they smell like apples, which attracts both fellas and insects. I’m working my way up to some shiny eye business, so that whoever I’m talking to will become dazzled by my gemstone eyelids and have to lie down for a moment while I slyly steal their wallet. I will use the cash I earn from my sparkle crimes to procure more shining makeup for myself.
I’m going to try not to become a Tammy Faye Bakker face, but it might be hard to help. The shine must go on, after all.
This is not my face.