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Valentine’s Day hazing rituals

Posted by on February 14, 2008

I really hate being pinched. The idea of it absolutely terrifies me, I don’t know why. As you can imagine, this made grade school St. Patrick’s Days into scary times for me. Many of my girlfriends saw it as a courting ritual, willfully refusing to wear outward signs of green. They would wait for a deceived boy to come along and pinch them and then would reveal triumphantly that their underwear had been green the whole time. Not me. I was laying out my big, obvious green weeks in advance.

I think it’s my St. Patrick’s Day fear that affects my Valentine’s Day wardrobe so strongly. If St. Paddy’s Day is a courting ritual, what must V-Day be? If I don’t doll myself up in reds and pinks on February 14, what will happen that’s worse than pinching? Enforced shrimping? Teabagging? Will people be allowed to shoot rubber bands at me, my other greatest grade school fear?

As an adult, I try not to give way to these irrational fears, so today I am wearing blue and grey. But my underwear is totally covered with little red hearts, y’all. Don’t even try it.

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