It’s important to package your gifts not only with attractive wrapping, but with a catchy slogan. In stores they might use something like “Free gift with purchase!” Personally, I’m going with “free hair with tape.”
Yes, customers and valued friends, for a limited time only, every piece of tape on every package you receive from me will contain one (1) long strand of my hair. Collect all 13,768 and create a Kris Wig of your Very Own!
Alas, some customers will not be receiving their hairy tape any time soon, for Gene and I were thwarted in our attempts to reach his family in Seattle. Their presents are now winging their way back to the Bay Area in my suitcase. I hope. It is a sad world, let me tell you, when my suitcase can get a flight to Seattle and I cannot.
When we first started talking about going to Seattle, Gene was reluctant. I attempted to jolly him out of this, using my patented formula of one part humor and two parts shame. “Don’t be such a miser, Gene McScrooge,” I told him lovingly. “What’s a few extra hundred dollars compared to the pleasures of being with your family over the holidays?”
It turns out, though, that his reluctance — and I might have understood this, if I ever listened when he talked, but I don’t like to set a dangerous precedent — was based on the extreme unpleasantness of holiday travel. And oh how right he was.
Everything’s crowded, but you expect that. What you don’t expect is that, like you, about forty percent of the travelers in the airport were surprised by the crowds, failed to account for them in their travel plans, missed their flights and are now desperately trying to fly stand-by on the same flights you’re trying to get on. And they are all angry.
Happily, I got to go through this with Gene instead of one of the sucky people. He helps people lift their luggage and he holds doors and he calms down crazed punk kids who are yelling at the hapless Southwest employee and he is human and calm with everyone who helps us, and based on their expressions in response he is obviously the only person in the airport not taking out rage and stress on them in some fashion.
Anyway, getting to Seattle would have involved a lot of hanging around airports, and neither of us wanted that. So anyone looking for friendships this weekend should call us up, and we will be sure to get back to you just as soon as we get our phone chargers back from Seattle.
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