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Single mother gets hers

Posted by on October 5, 2007

Grateful nation breathes sigh of relief

After three days of hard deliberations, a federal judge ordered Jammie Thomas to pay $222,000 for her crimes against the music industry. Thomas, a single mother, was identified as a prominent ringleader of a music-downloading crime ring located on her computer. There were no other members of the crime ring.

“This woman lives in glamorous Minnesota. As a single mother named ‘Jammie,’ her life is already packed with joy,” the prosecutor said. “Why does she need to steal money from struggling artists like Britney Spears and John Mayer?”

Three cents of Thomas’ $220,000 payment will be donated to the artists in question.

“We just want the artists to receive their due,” said a spokesperson for a prominent record company. “And if we can bankrupt one of our fans in the process, well, that’s just gravy.”

4 Responses to Single mother gets hers

  1. Dianna

    In other news, her attorney is going around referring to her as a “girl” in interviews, which has been proven to make 30-year-old women feel all fuzzy and respected and taken seriously.

  2. didofoot

    Now, now, little lady. No need to go bringing all of your women’s lib nonsense into a perfectly good forum.

    Why don’t you go bake us some pie or something?

  3. sean

    Don’t forget, a jury also agreed to this verdict, proving once again that, aside from judging other people and consuming salty snack food, Americans’ favorite thing to do is punish people.

  4. didofoot

    “I thought about what the Bible says,” one fat juror told reporters, “about letting he who has not sinned cast the first stone. And I get that, I really do. But what am I supposed to do with this stone, then? I figured I might as well throw it anyway.”

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