Michele and I saw The Mistress of Spices on Saturday. It was another one of those films about a woman who has a magical connection to a specific kind of food, and she uses this food to alter the lives of those around her (i.e. Like Water For Chocolate, Chocolat). These movies resonate with me, because I am one of these women myself. I too have a magical connection to a specific kind of food: the food that has been prepared by others. I think it’s about time somebody made the movie of my life; they can call it The Mistress of Takeout.
Here are some small excerpts from the script:
As a young girl, the Mistress of Takeout was trained in the secrets of her art…
The Moms: A Mistress of Takeout has the power to speak to Chinese, Japanese, and Indian cuisine, and hears the secrets of the pizzas. When properly trained, she can order a large Mediterranean-style, and the adolescent on the phone will not need to ask her which style of crust she prefers. The tone of her voice alone will tell him.
The Mistress of Takeout is sent to a remote town to use her skills for the benefit of others…
Michele: I have a fourteen page paper due tomorrow.
Me: Let us order mu shu pork, for critical thinking, and sweet and sour chicken, to help you express your thoughts. Also, ordering two entrees earns us a free order of fried rice.
Me: And do not neglect to obtain extra plum sauce. For an A grade.
But one day the Mistress of Takeout finds forbidden love with [her sister’s husband/a gypsy/Dylan McDermott/the Lad]. Will her food powers desert her?…
Lad: Let’s move in together.
Me: Let us celebrate by ordering breakfast at Luna, a nearby restaurant.
Luna: I AM CLOSED. FOREVER!
Me: Takeout, why have you forsaken me!
In the end, the Mistress of Takeout is united with her love by eating [candles/chocolate/pepper/pizza from Marcello’s]…
Me: I am [consumed in a fire/very happy]!
Lad: I too am [consumed in a fire/very happy]!
Me: Let us order cake from Sweet Inspirations to celebrate!
Sweet Inspirations: I REMAIN OPEN. AND DELICIOUS.
Me: Thank you, Takeout!
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