Michele and I saw The Mistress of Spices on Saturday. It was another one of those films about a woman who has a magical connection to a specific kind of food, and she uses this food to alter the lives of those around her (i.e. Like Water For Chocolate, Chocolat). These movies resonate with me, because I am one of these women myself. I too have a magical connection to a specific kind of food: the food that has been prepared by others. I think it’s about time somebody made the movie of my life; they can call it The Mistress of Takeout.
Here are some small excerpts from the script:
As a young girl, the Mistress of Takeout was trained in the secrets of her art…
The Moms: A Mistress of Takeout has the power to speak to Chinese, Japanese, and Indian cuisine, and hears the secrets of the pizzas. When properly trained, she can order a large Mediterranean-style, and the adolescent on the phone will not need to ask her which style of crust she prefers. The tone of her voice alone will tell him.
Me: Ooh.
The Mistress of Takeout is sent to a remote town to use her skills for the benefit of others…
Michele: I have a fourteen page paper due tomorrow.
Me: Let us order mu shu pork, for critical thinking, and sweet and sour chicken, to help you express your thoughts. Also, ordering two entrees earns us a free order of fried rice.
Michele: Ooh.
Me: And do not neglect to obtain extra plum sauce. For an A grade.
But one day the Mistress of Takeout finds forbidden love with [her sister’s husband/a gypsy/Dylan McDermott/the Lad]. Will her food powers desert her?…
Lad: Let’s move in together.
Me: Let us celebrate by ordering breakfast at Luna, a nearby restaurant.
Luna: I AM CLOSED. FOREVER!
Me: Takeout, why have you forsaken me!
In the end, the Mistress of Takeout is united with her love by eating [candles/chocolate/pepper/pizza from Marcello’s]…
Me: I am [consumed in a fire/very happy]!
Lad: I too am [consumed in a fire/very happy]!
Me: Let us order cake from Sweet Inspirations to celebrate!
Sweet Inspirations: I REMAIN OPEN. AND DELICIOUS.
Me: Thank you, Takeout!
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