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Our upcoming trip to Monaco

Posted by on January 5, 2005

As the years wear on and no one discovers me (I imagine a chance meeting on a BART train with an editor who looks at me and suddenly Understands that I am the next big thing, but I would also be open to meeting in a restaurant or cafe), I am toning down my goals. I don’t need to be famous myself as long as I can be surrounded by all the advantages of fame: namely, money, classy grub, and free stuff. I’ve decided that after I graduate I will become a personal assistant to someone famous. Not the kind of assistant who works fourteen hour days and is made miserable by the vagaries of a self-important popstar; no, I will be the kind who is cherished as a best friend and confidant, who is allowed to go home early or use the expensive gym membership whenever she wants, who gets all the good complimentary food baskets because the star is on a diet.

When my star discusses me with her starry friends at the catered poolside lunch we are billing to the studio (a lunch at which, of course, I am present), she will say with a little laugh “Oh, I just couldn’t do without her.” This will be a star who values my Snoopy dances and silly French accent more than she would value organizational skills or a good work ethic. “She helps me keep my sense of humor about it all when it gets really awful,” she will say with a small wave which encompasses the Hummer, the lap pool, and Juan, the handsome Salvadoran gardener with whom I had a brief kissing affair in 2007 and who the star and I make cruel jokes about now because he follows me around like a puppy. I am wearing $500 Versace sunglasses and giving sage love advice to the starry friends in between the Juan jokes that get meaner with every bloody Mary.

(I still remember the day six months ago when she gave me those glasses. They came in a big gift box from Versace with a bunch of clothes, and she spent six hours trying them on and complaining that they made her forehead look like it was bulging out under her hairline. “It looks bulgey. Doesn’t it look bulgey? God, these glasses are so great. But my forehead looks kind of bulgey, I think. Do you think so? Bulgey, right?” I encouraged her in this impression because I really needed a pair of sunglasses for our upcoming trip to Monaco.) The star winces as she adjusts one of her bandages slightly–she has recently gone under the knife of Hollywood’s premiere plastic surgeon, the one who did such a great job with Cate, to reduce the size of her bulgey forehead–and, like the stellar personal assistant I am, I considerately order another round of painkilling bloody Marys from the promisingly attractive waiter.

14 Responses to Our upcoming trip to Monaco

  1. michele

    i love this, but i would love it more if it wasn’t all one paragraph because it’s hard to read and made my eyes go all cross-eyed and buggy.

  2. didofoot

    ok, i have broken it into arbitrary paragraphs. =)

  3. Dianna

    That’s very arbitrary of you. This entry is lovely. Aesthetically, I liked the single paragraph, but I do agree with Michele about the buggy eyes.

  4. michele

    yes, aesthetically i liked it, and if it was on a piece of paper and not white font with a black background, i would have been ok with it. but as it was, the bugging, the bugging!

    jump back.

  5. Dianna

    Buggy buggy buggy!

    Immediately after I posted my last comment here, the power went out on my side of the office. I’m afraid to post anything else now… wait, I just did. Oh shi

  6. jason s

    I didn’t know it used to be one paragraph, but I think I would have enjoyed it in that form. (Not that I didn’t like it in this form, I just prefer long paragraphs, I think–it makes things seem more authoritative or Victorian or something). At least you didn’t indent. Are you still writing a book? If so, I want paragraphs that go on for at least a page and a half. With paranthetical asides (I guess all asides are parenthetical, whatever) that are so long that you lose the point of the sentence it’s wedged into. This is the type of book I see you writing. Also, I think there would be a lot of weddings in your books.

  7. gene

    so you see me as the love child of jane austen and david foster wallace? that’s awesome. i sort of see myself as the love child of danielle steele and beatrice potter, unfortunately.

  8. didofoot

    whoops, that was me, obviously.

  9. michele

    your home sick today aren’t you?

  10. didofoot




  11. michele

    yes, and i meant ‘you’re’.

    no more sick days for you now, right? 11 days to go!

  12. didofoot

    10 days to go! cause we have mlk day off.

  13. michele

    when’s that? do i have it off? i do, i do! monday the 16th! yes! argh, i hate you full-time working!

  14. tracy

    i will become famous and i will hire you to be my bestfriend, ummm, i mean personal assistant.


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