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The Unbearable Triteness of Being (in a relationship with me)

Posted by on November 8, 2004

When we first moved in together, I frequently pretended to be a hedgehog (in order to demonstrate to the Lad what a fun pet a hedgehog could be for us). From there I moved on to being an elephant, a goat, and a yeti. I also sometimes walk up to him soberly like I have something important to say and then when I have his attention I explode into the Snoopy dance. I occasionally make up cheers, or run around our circular apartment like a track star. One time I declared myself to be Sister Mary Posterior, a nun in the service of Our Lady of the Bottom. What I almost never do is pretend to be myself, because I have to do that all day at work as it is. So basically, he thought he was moving in with me but he actually is rooming with a bunch of animal crackers.

On top of this, I get worried every six or seven minutes that he doesn’t know how fond I am of him. Then I have to draw him a cartoon about our beautiful love and fold it into a paper airplane and fling it at his head, so he knows we are still doing fine. Or sometimes, for variety, I rush up to him as fast as I can with a panicked expression, as if he were on fire, and fling myself on him like a limpet and shriek “I glove you! I glove you, pumpkin bread!” He especially likes for me to do this while he is programming or on the phone.

Sometimes I start to worry that he will leave me, because he never displays his true love for me by pretending to be an animal of any kind. Then I have to follow him around the house, clutching the voodoo doll I made of him, and chanting under my breath, “Don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave…” Then I nag him about doing the dishes. So far, it’s all working.

11 Responses to The Unbearable Triteness of Being (in a relationship with me)

  1. michele

    hedgehogs? so not that great as pets. you? the best kind of pet.

  2. kati

    I would keep Kristen as a pet. That sounds like fun. She runs around the circular apartment like a track star – my poodle does that, too! It’s high-sterical.

    I also think it’s possible that Gene’s animal self is just a very quiet, slow-moving one. We may not even notice when all the time he’s channeling his inner Koala.

    I, too, am of the philosophy that all loud and potentially intrusive things should be done to a person while they are programming or on the phone. If distance doesn’t allow this, one should simply call the person repeatedly on the phone, so as to be equally loud and intrusive from far away. I’ve made a science of it.

  3. michele

    do you eat much foliage, gene?

  4. didofoot

    i can’t even keep a eucalyptus plant in the house anymore. every time i come home, he’s trying to look innocent while covered in dirt and with leaves hanging out of the side of his mouth.

  5. michele

    i used to have that problem with catnip.

  6. jason s

    You’re lucky hedgehogs aren’t the only animal other than humans that can contract moist leprosy. That distinction belongs to our fragile friend the armadillo.

  7. gene

    he speaks only truth.

    I had a koala teddy bear from my birth until I moved to Germany.

  8. marina

    i have a momma koala bear that is a lamp and holds a little baby koala bears with her velcro hands.

    sadly, it is sitting in storage right now.

  9. michele

    dood, i love that lamp!

  10. jason s

    koalas are so cute. the one at the zoo steals my heart every time.

  11. Kristina

    That’s incredibly endearing. Eventually you won’t think about him leaving so much, but you’ll always want him to do the dishes… although I’m not sure how many he uses on a eucalyptus diet.

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