My arrival at UCSC when I was seventeen was eye-opening in so many ways. I met my first out-of-the-closet lesbian on my first night in the dorms, who lined up a group of frosh on her bed and lectured us on proper fisting techniques. I got my first roommate and met my first anti-shower campaigner–unfortunately the same person. I played my first drinking game and called Dad and the Moms triumphantly the next day to tell them all about my first hangover. And I met SoCal natives, and realized for the first time that not only is Southern California winning the NoCal-SoCal war, they actually have no idea it’s happening. I came fully prepared to hate every SoCal resident I met for having big boobs and stealing our water,* but they were all perfectly friendly to me and claimed ignorance of any intrastate blood feud.
Since attending SFSU, I’ve discovered another one-sided war that I’m on the wrong side of. Everyone knows about the Cal-Stanford war, but how many of you are aware that there is also an intense rivalry between Cal and SF State? Well let me tell you, everyone at State is fully committed to this. Lecturers, professors, and students fill class discussions with snide little digs at Cal, with its “research” and “budget” and “white people.” (Since attending SFSU I have chosen to become a sympathetic person of color, because frankly all the cultures here are way more interesting than the one I grew up in. You might be offended by this, but your opinions are meaningless to me, whitey.) Unfortunately, no one at Berkeley has any idea that this conflict is happening. Which only makes us hate them more, of course.
I’m starting to take some pride in my state education, though. SFSU is one of the most diverse campuses in the world, which is very important to me now that I have voluntarily renounced my colonialist white heritage. We may not have Nobel prize winning professors, or a lot of money, or good grammar, but we…actually I can’t think of an end for that sentence. We don’t have those things. But I like it there, anyway. And we started the campus protest movement in ’68, whatever Berkeley claims.
Ok, I will now return to my high-paying job here at Cal.
*Amusingly, my non-showering roommate hailed from SoCal. What are they doing with all our water if they don’t even bathe?