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In which The Closet Shopper helps me buy some pants

Posted by on September 1, 2004

This is a story about pants. Not just any pants: new pants, the scariest kind of pants there are. In case you don’t want to read the whole darn thing, the salient info is this: Tracy Miller is an amazing fashion consultant. If you want her to come work for you, check her out here:

The Closet Shopper

Email: theclosetshopper at gmail.com

My best jeans finally gave up the ghost while I was kneeling down to clean up toddler pee a few weeks ago at work. I guess they split from trying to contain all the good karma I was earning by mopping up after someone else’s kid. I tried to Frankenstein them for a while with my own special brand of sewing, but like a determined athlete after a car wreck they just kept splitting their stitches and eventually I had to give up on them. Then my second-best jeans split, possibly from trying to contain all the karma that I now store in my ass. So I was left with a choice of enormous raver pants or grey army pants. It was time to do the unthinkable. It was time to shop.

Since today was very hot and since I have been feeling inexplicably large and elephantine lately, today seemed like the very best time to wrap my legs in sweaty denim and stare at my bottom in various mirrors. I pretty much hate shopping at the best of times so I wasn’t looking forward to this. Lucky for me that I dragged everyone’s favorite fashionista Tracy Miller along with me. I gave her my size and price range and after that she did pretty much everything except actually try the jeans on for me. She picked a store, pointed me towards the dressing room, and then attacked me with several volleys of jean selections. It was like playing Battleship, but with pants. After every fitting, she would ask what my specific concerns with each pair were and then in the next round of jeans those problems would be magically fixed. I had a brand spanking new pair of half-off pants in under half an hour which fit perfectly, are the correct color, and were within my price range. Also, they are Diesel, which I thought was an engine but apparently is also a mark of coolness. And the best part of this whole experience was walking around the store with her as she held up various items and told me how great I would look in them and why. Nothing quite so ego-boosting as a fashion consultant.

She tried to get me into some new shoes (70% off) but I am having a low-budget month and had to decline. However, if any of you ladies out there (she hasn’t branched out yet to the mysteriously bland world of men’s fashions) are interested in an easy wardrobe revamp, I highly recommend her. Here’s her contact info again:

The Closet Shopper

Email: theclosetshopper at gmail.com

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