Some thoughts on pirates vs. bunnies

From an email to Brian Danny last year:

No lady loves the pirate. Reason is, the pirate will carry her off over his shoulder. A shoulder in the abdomen tends to disturb a lady’s breakfast. Then later, seasickness. And then painful deflowering. No lady likes painful deflowering, no lady whatsoever; also disturbing to her breakfast. A lady likes her breakfast to settle before a painful deflowering and a speedy cannon-infested chase over high seas. But this she is never permitted.

So I am voting for the bunny. A bunny is small and soft and unlikely to disturb a breakfast in any way. Bunnies are better than pirates; there’s no two ways about it. A lady today does not want a virile figure of manhood; no. She wants a boyfriend she can carry in her handbag and refuse to feed when he is acting up. She wants someone who can sleep on the pillow without covering it in bloody grime and beard hair and doubloons. Nobody likes a doubloon pillow. A lady wants someone who she can kill and eat if necessary.