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Letter to Leto

Posted by on May 2, 2003

Dear Jared:

I’m glad we got a chance to connect in Indio on Saturday. Like Hamlet says, verily, after all these years, it’s nice to finally be able to put a face to the name. I thought our meeting was very productive, and I’d just like to review a few of the key bullet points we discussed, to ensure that we’re both on the same page for the coming fiscal year.

The first and most important topic on the table was deciding on the angle you’re going to want to take in the future. I know you felt okay with the slight angle you took while leaning against the fence, but I strongly feel that in the future you should pursue something a little more aggressive. If necessary, we could even set up some intensive yoga training for you in order to get you in the kind of shape to where you could lean back at a forty-five degree angle while you are smoking and staring soulfully into space. However, I am willing to be flexible on this, since I am asking you to be.

The second thing we worked on was your interfacing ability. I was impressed by your new model’s versatility as your expression changed from “walking face” to “trying to get on-stage with the Beastie Boys face,” and was still able to make the abrupt transition to “alarmed and annoyed by a stalker face” when I approached you. I have no suggestions for the essentials of your design, which I think are gorgeous. I only have a few quibbles with the cosmetic aspects: your presentation seems a little retro. I’m not sure the world is ready for a return to your long-haired eighties style – it might be better to stick with the shaggy but shorter nineties style until we can get some test marketing underway with the appropriate focus groups.

The last issue came up in our brief meeting on Sunday, where you walked by me sporting your newest attachment. She was gorgeous, but I have to question whether any attachment is appropriate for your design – won’t consumers prefer your sleeker, solo model? I know I’d buy it!

Jared, once again, it was a real pleasure meeting you backstage at the Beastie Boys concert. Those few moments when you were staring at me in an attempt to use your psychic powers to send me away were, I feel, productive for both of us. Since then, I’ve had several meetings with my associates to discuss your professionalism and your excellent product. I predict that you will be hearing a final decision from us in the very near future.

Best regards,


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