I had a nice though short visit with Jack today which enabled me to deploy not just one but all of the following quips in my beard-related arsenal:
“You look like the Wild Man of Borneo.”
“It’s like there’s a lawn on your face.”
“No, I would have noticed the horrible hair first but the horrible beard was demanding all my attention.”
“I think its mass is actually greater than the rest of your head.”
“How do you walk upright with that thing clinging to your chin?”
“You have a little something on your mouth.”
Then he gave me free CDs and the ethics of bribery dictated that I shut up.