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Oh they’re taking him to prison for the color of his hair

Posted by on September 5, 2002

The good news is, I’ll be updating this a lot more frequently than I have been lately.

The bad news is, I got evicted and am moving back to PHill for the nonce.

Here is how the story goes, and feel free to interrupt with piteous noises at any time: Four days ago, I moved in. This morning, I left a cheerful card thanking my landlady for the bottle of wine she left me, and casually mentioning that I would be setting off a bug bomb on the following morning to kill the spiders all over the place. I said this would not affect her, but wanted to let her know. I went off to school with a merry heart.

Later, arriving home after classes and a brief traipse about my shiny new neighborhood, there was a knocking without. When I opened the door, there stood my landlady in a choler. Immediately she demanded to see these fictious spiders I had been inventing to fill my lonely hours. Well, I began to show her of course, but her dander was clearly up and she grew more and more angry, yelling (yelling, seriously) “Show me the spiders, then! Show me!”

“I AM showing you, look here.”

“Twenty-five years I’ve had tenants and not one has ever mentioned spiders to me,” she hollered, forcing me to what in retrospect was probably an unwise remark, regarding What The Neighbors Have Been Saying about the short duration of stay for these tenants. Well, that pushed her over the edge. She turned an attractive purple shade not unlike her eye makeup, called me a busybody several times, sputtered and stormed out.

Fifteen minutes later there was another knocking without. I opened the door and she handed me my original check for first, last and deposit and asked me to be gone within a week. Then harranged me for another ten minutes re: my busybodying nature and slammed out in high dugeon, if that’s how I spell that.

Well, the place was a shithole really, so I guess it’s no loss. I just feel like such a maroon. I really wanted to embark on a new career of non-flakiness, but moving twice in a week is surpassing even my previous acts of irresponsibility.

Speaking of which, if you have a strong back and no plans on Sunday, y’all feel free to e-mail/call me before then and let me know if you’re interested in a little bit o’box hefting. I’ll absolutely understand if you don’t want to, and if you do want to then I’ll be eternally grateful and stand you a beer afterwards, or a fizzy beverage of your choice.

13 Responses to Oh they’re taking him to prison for the color of his hair

  1. Jacob

    You should have thrown one of the fictitious spiders in her face. Then she might have fictitiously screamed and fictitiously died from fright. At least, I would have.

  2. michele

    that is because you are a pansy ass who can’t bear spiders, jacob.

    dungeon. i think. hmm doesn’t seem quite right to have it be like prison. but i know it has an n in it.

    well….i’ll fictiously help you move on sunday if i can fit it into my busy schedule of looking at lava and sunbathing.

    i love you i loe you! and this is not your flakiness at all this is her psychopath-ness. maybe all the makeup seeped into her brain? could be could be. maybe she only sees colors. angry colors. cccrrrrrrrazy colors….

  3. tracy

    oh no. my poor punkin. so sorry to hear of this. oh, and good use of the word, maroon. hee hee. will miss you at lunch tho. so call me.

  4. michele

    fyi tracy she has no computer at work and will not get this before lunch i think. so you might just want to call her cell and leave a message. though….due to my fault she was late to work today and will only get a half hour lunch too. sigh. my fault. stupid alarm clock not going off. sucks ass.

  5. tracy

    bad, michele. it’s ok though.

  6. the commode

    my fictitious excuse for not being able to help on sunday is that i will be busy stalking erica.

    my real excuse is that i will be in portland.

  7. Sean

    that sucks. what a crazy, crazy lady.

    also, i think dugeon might have a second d, but i couldn’t say where exactly.

  8. michele

    ooo ooo! dundgeon! that’s right.

  9. didofoot

    no, not dungeon silly girl. high du(d?)geon is a state of being, whereas dungeons are prisons.

  10. good girl

    sounds like a Foul Beast to me. and while her FouL existence is most likely punishment enough, i think we ought to send a majik charm against Foul Beasties to her door. something involving dead bugs, and no anthrax.

    feds. you got that? i said NO anthrax.

  11. nuala

    Sucky sucky woman. Sorry I wasn’t around. So wait do you have the pass? Damn I’m going to have to find out who has the pass so I can get to work tomorrow.

  12. jason

    Wouldn’t it be funny if Portland was named after someone who was portly?

    Also, that’s awful, Kristen, but you can do better than that place. I am pretty sure I can help you on Sunday, but don’t kill me if I’ve forgotten some prior engagement.

    Also, that woman’s a whore.

  13. world's largest casino

    and san francisco continues to be the battleground of all battlegrounds between landlords and tenants.

    kristen, if i could travel back in time and help you move on sunday, i would probably steal calculus from isaac newton.

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