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Nobody sees the grannies.

Posted by on July 24, 2002

“Come here,” said my coworker. “I want to see what size you are.”

“Scooby Doo noise of inquiry,” I said (mmmrrrruh?) as she grabbed my waist and spun me around so my back was to her. “Fievel squeak of outrage!” I said, as she pulled out the waistband of my skirt so she could peer down at the tag. I mean pulled out the waistband. I could feel the breeze. “Furious blushing,” I said, feeling so thankful that I hadn’t decided to go thonged or, gulp, commando this morning. One thing I cannot handle is flashing my ass at a coworker before noon. As it was she was treated to a stunning display of my hot pink raggedy-elastic grannywear. Something no one sees, ever, even the Sicilian after seven months of basically living together and all the weird little intimacies that entails. Nobody sees the grannies. It is a cardinal rule.

It’s not like this was the dreaded Sexual Harassment. It was more like being a five year old and being manhandled for your own good, like when my aunt used to have to check every morning to make sure my cousin had put on underwear for school. Apparently he had issues with his underwear.

Speaking of, whatever happened to the Michele and Erica plan of starting an underwear company?

28 Responses to Nobody sees the grannies.

  1. tracy

    I should have protected you! I should have been your Sheena!

  2. michele

    that’s right, tracy! protect the black man from the encroaching panties-seekers!

    hmm…i forgot about our skivvies plan….i still have that book somewhere.

  3. marc

    ah yes, reminds me of the days when i was a late bloomin’ athlete and the football coach made us drop our punting pants to prove we had worn our jock straps. luckily back then i wasn’t wearing granny panties.

  4. michele

    so….but now you ARE wearing them?

  5. marc

    nope. just grampy pants.

  6. michele

    got lots of grandkids running around your saggy knees there, ey grampy? occasional outbursts of “young whippersnappers!” probably explode from you at odd intervals.

  7. erica

    underwear~!! underwear!!! oh god, michele, we need to get started on that again!! here, wait a minute, let me GET OFF THE INTERNET and walk into the other room to squeak that ecstatically at you. skivvies, skivvies, skivvies!!!!!

  8. Dianna

    Celexa is starting to sound like a very nice girl’s name.

  9. michele

    or aldara. not buspar though. or skelaxin. too much like the skeksises.

    skivvies! well…that plan failed. though i have made condom pocket underwear for quite a few people now. mostly lesbians. what a waste.

  10. Dianna

    One might wonder why you’re not making condom pocket underwear for me. At least, one might wonder that until one remembers that you’re hoping to sabotage my non-reproductive plans. Bastard.

  11. michele

    snort. i am so clever with the planning….

    i could make you some. do you wear size 6?

  12. didofoot

    i love my condom pocket underwear even though i am on the pill so i just use the pocket to carry cookies in for in case if i need a snack.

  13. gene

    sorry, had to delete them. leaving them contributes to their google pagerank and they make money. i can’t encourage it.

  14. michele

    keep up the good work, gene! damn celexa, i refuse to birth you now.

  15. Dianna

    Size 6? Er. Beats me? Maybe 5. Stupid underwear sizes and their not matching up to pants sizes. Why is that, anyway?

    COOKIE POCKET UNDERWEAR!

  16. michele

    they match up to the small, medium, large size gambit if that helps. like 4-5 is small, 5-7 is medium, and 7-9 is large. sort of. there’s scales. man, underwear is dumb.

  17. Dianna

    Stupid underwear. We should all boycott it.

    I think I do wear a 5, then. That sounds right. Relatively small, but not tiny. Yes, officer, that’s my ass, right there in the lineup.

  18. didofoot

    dianna i would say you are maybe even a 4.

  19. michele

    really? she’s not that much skinnier than you is she?

  20. Dianna

    I don’t think I’m skinnier than Kristen at all, actually, not where the ass is concerned. How do you people even know they sell size 4 underwear? I’ve never even seen it.

  21. michele

    yeah, i think maybe it actually starts at 5. my bad.

  22. didofoot

    hey i am wearing my condom pocket underwear today (henceforth known as “cumderwear” perhaps?) and i used it to transport tea bags from my house to gene’s. the kind that are wrapped in paper of course. pretty exciting.

  23. erica

    that’s brilliant! i’ve been wondering what to do with those pockets now that condoms are pretty much out of the picture. i also thought perhaps i could get my hands on some of those little mints that are individually wrapped, like a complimentary treat for being around my underwear. it’s the least i can do, really.

  24. didofoot

    ooh good idea. or we could fill our pockets with those dippin dots, because who doesn’t love those? i am eager to attract carnies and fair-goers alike to the funfair in my crotch.

  25. Dianna

    A pocket for moist towelettes, to allow the crotch attendee to freshen up a bit?

  26. didofoot

    or perhaps i can leave it empty and attach a sassy sign reminding the user that tipping is not a city in china.

  27. michele

    dipping dots would melt next to the moist crotchian climes. i’m just saying.

    tipping, however, should always be encouraged.

  28. Dianna

    It would be really fantastic if it came out that, in fact, there IS a city in China called Tipping.

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