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October 05, 2007

Single mother gets hers

Grateful nation breathes sigh of relief

After three days of hard deliberations, a federal judge ordered Jammie Thomas to pay $222,000 for her crimes against the music industry. Thomas, a single mother, was identified as a prominent ringleader of a music-downloading crime ring located on her computer. There were no other members of the crime ring.

"This woman lives in glamorous Minnesota. As a single mother named 'Jammie,' her life is already packed with joy," the prosecutor said. "Why does she need to steal money from struggling artists like Britney Spears and John Mayer?"

Three cents of Thomas' $220,000 payment will be donated to the artists in question.

"We just want the artists to receive their due," said a spokesperson for a prominent record company. "And if we can bankrupt one of our fans in the process, well, that's just gravy."

Posted by didofoot at October 5, 2007 08:31 AM

Comments

In other news, her attorney is going around referring to her as a "girl" in interviews, which has been proven to make 30-year-old women feel all fuzzy and respected and taken seriously.

Posted by: Dianna at October 5, 2007 02:44 PM

Now, now, little lady. No need to go bringing all of your women's lib nonsense into a perfectly good forum.

Why don't you go bake us some pie or something?

Posted by: didofoot at October 5, 2007 03:57 PM

Don't forget, a jury also agreed to this verdict, proving once again that, aside from judging other people and consuming salty snack food, Americans' favorite thing to do is punish people.

Posted by: sean at October 5, 2007 05:04 PM

"I thought about what the Bible says," one fat juror told reporters, "about letting he who has not sinned cast the first stone. And I get that, I really do. But what am I supposed to do with this stone, then? I figured I might as well throw it anyway."

Posted by: didofoot at October 5, 2007 05:19 PM

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