Single mother gets hers

Grateful nation breathes sigh of relief

After three days of hard deliberations, a federal judge ordered Jammie Thomas to pay $222,000 for her crimes against the music industry. Thomas, a single mother, was identified as a prominent ringleader of a music-downloading crime ring located on her computer. There were no other members of the crime ring.

“This woman lives in glamorous Minnesota. As a single mother named ‘Jammie,’ her life is already packed with joy,” the prosecutor said. “Why does she need to steal money from struggling artists like Britney Spears and John Mayer?”

Three cents of Thomas’ $220,000 payment will be donated to the artists in question.

“We just want the artists to receive their due,” said a spokesperson for a prominent record company. “And if we can bankrupt one of our fans in the process, well, that’s just gravy.”