Jordan and the Easter Bunny

On Saturday night, a drunken older woman who would identify herself only as “your favorite Easter bunny” gave Michele and I two all-access backstage passes for Coachella. After checking to make sure they were not laced with a strange zombie drug or other contraband, we strapped them on and headed for the elite zone.

It’s amazing how cool you feel being on the other side of the polo field. We wandered around in a daze, chickening out on talking to the Blue Man Group whose set had just finished. Then we went and watched the Beastie Boys for a while, but from the special side of the fence. (You had to have a better Easter bunny than ours to get onstage with the Beastie Boys.)

While we were standing there, Jared Leto walked by. Some of you may remember him as “Angelface” from Fight Club, while the ladies in the house probably know him as the incredibly sexy thug Jordan Catalano from the series “My So-Called Life,” the boy that Claire Danes’ character stalked in every episode. As he walked by, he glanced up at me just in time to see my eyes widen and my face assume the attractively slack-jawed expression common to celebrity sightings. He was so impressed that he and his (guy) friend walked much faster past me.

I grabbed Michele’s arm and dragged her off the ledge where we were standing and began to follow him. “That was Jordan Catalano, and we have to follow him now and speak to him or I will never forgive myself!” I hissed. This came out as “Nguh!”

Having known me long enough to crack my code phrases instantly, Michele allowed herself to be yanked along but said “Dood, I know who you think that is, but it’s really not. I saw him, too. It’s not him.”

“Gruh,” I said, and kept walking.

We followed him (and unfamous friend) around to the more populated elite area nearer the stage, and just managed to avoid following him into the Portapotty. (Jordan Catalano pees!) When he came out, Michele said “Oh my God, that is him.” We watched as he tried to get up on stage and was politely rebuffed by a security guard. (Let’s face it: “My So-Called Life” was a long time ago.) After having witnessed his rejection I felt brave enough to approach him for a picture, but was beaten to the punch by two girls who came up and started glad-handing him. They were both way cuter than me, and had the added attraction of not having been visibly stalking him for the past five minutes, but he was totally uninterested in them and kept trying to break away. I walked over anyway.

This is my big moment, by the way. Read carefully or you will miss it.

Jordan Catalano looked over at me as I was approaching shyly. He wore the face that he used to wear all the time when Angela would approach him shyly in a scene, the face that said “Even though you are Claire Danes, I am completely uninterested in you, and I find your interest in me to be inappropriate and embarrassing.”

“Hi,” he said, exactly the same way he used to say it to Angela in just such a scene.

“Hi,” I squeaked. I then turned around and sped back to Michele and she walked me around in small circles for awhile (in full sight of him, unfortunately) until I could breathe normally. Meanwhile, in Jordan Catalano land, Jordan Catalano was leaning against the fence and smoking, just like he used to do in the popular series “My So-Called Life.” (Quote from Angela in same: [thoughtfully] “It’s the way he leans.”) I almost died of sex appeal.

This is an example of how Jordan Catalano looks when he wants you to go away from him – the way he looked at me:

This is how Jordan Catalano looks at attractive girls who wisely pretend not to know who he is: