Undecorate, unplan.

My resolution not to blog about it lasted exactly this long.

For the last several weeks I’ve been very confused. I have other friends planning their weddings right now, and I’ve seen it done before: nobody seems to go through all the doubt and stress and general scowling that I’m going through.

I’ve been assuming that this stress is coming from my basic girly desire to have a foofy pretty wedding, with flowers and tulle and stuff, warring with the wedding that Gene and I agreed to have, which is low-purchase, low-employee, low-stress.

But if this is true, why does my stomach clench every time I start considering decorations and color themes?

Today I finally realized what’s going on. My problem isn’t that I want a fancier wedding. It’s that I feel like I should want it, but I don’t.

I do not want to spend the next several months considering DIY invitation possibilities, or growing ten large flower pots of jasmine to line the aisle, or finding cheap paper fan wedding favors. I do not want to worry about what the wedding party, the guests or the groom will wear. I do not want to worry about other people’s expectations for our guest list, our reception, our venue, our wardrobes or the amount of pageantry in our ceremony. I do not want tablecloths on the picnic tables, or centerpieces, or tulle.

I just want you all to come to this beautiful park that we found, and then have some drinks and some food and take silly pictures in the photo booth and play bocce and croquet. I want you to come in jeans if you like wearing jeans, or a pretty dress if you’d rather. I want you to take pictures of each other and of us and share them around.

Is that enough? Is that okay? Can you be excited to attend a wedding like that?

Man, I hope so, because I think that’s the wedding we’re having.

[Slowly relax. Big smile. End.]

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Heat wave a-comin’.

Enjoy your weekend, friends.

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Breakfast

Overheard on the #24.

Girl: “I’m hungry. We haven’t eaten yet.”

Guy: “We’ve had breakfast.”

Girl: “What’d we have?”

Guy: “Pickled green beans.”

Girl: “Oh, yeah.” Quietly, staring out the window: “I can’t hang out with you anymore.”

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Too soon?

Overheard at Pleasant Hill BART.

First BART cop: “I swear to God, I almost shot this guy. I mean, I literally almost pulled the trigger. Wanted to.”

Second BART cop, laughing: “I hear you, man. Yeah.”

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My Friday Night

Gene arrives home to find me wearing my blazer and zebra-striped fedora, leaning out the window and blowing bubbles.

Gene: “So this is what you do all day? Dress up like Michael Jackson and blow soap out the window?”

Kris: “…Yeah.”

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Let a smile be your umbrella

Katy and I went to the sing-along Mary Poppins at the Castro last night. I sometimes forget what a fantastic film that is. I memorized most of it before I understood it, so trying to parse it as an adult is kind of like trying to separate the words of the Pledge of Allegiance into sensible ideas. But I will try.

Even as a kid, you’re aware that the movie isn’t supposed to be about Jane and Michael, or even about magical Mary. It’s about the redemption of George Banks. Mary Poppins comes to the house to teach him how to be a human again, instead of a walking collection of comfortable habits, and of course she succeeds. You could say that Mary is the other side of George, the human, fun side he’s forgotten how to access. But because she’s so glamorous, you don’t spare much thought for him.

As an adult, it’s easier to see how Mary and George balance each other out. The iconic image of Mary flying into town under her umbrella for the first time is matched by the less-remembered but equally moving shot of George walking alone down an abandoned suburban street lined with bare winter trees, manfully going to meet his doom at the hands of his employers, though it is late at night and he has already had a very hard day. Even as Mary’s flying scene demonstrates everything you need to know about her — she’s magical, she’s whimsical, and very English with that sturdy umbrella — George’s scene tells you that he’s brave, he’s responsible, he’s courteous (he could have told his bosses to stuff themselves): that he’s worth saving from himself.

The umbrellas, too, are an interesting device. Umbrellas in Mary Poppins symbolize the umbrella owner’s fitness for his or her position. Mary Poppins, the perfect nanny, has a supreme umbrella which flies and talks. George, too good for the bank, has his umbrella destroyed when he is fired. He’s just had his epiphany about his love for his children and he’s no longer suited for his drone job. (Also, many of the nannies in queue have their umbrellas blown wrongside-out, because they’re not the right nannies. And Bert, being unfit to hold any one position for very long, has no umbrella at all and walks whistling through the rain.)

Of course, because it’s a children’s movie, the most important point is the way that Mary and George interact with Jane and Michael. Both are rather stern, both refuse to explain themselves, and neither one ever admits to loving the children. That’s why George’s kite scene resonates so much at the end — I mean, that, and the fact that he’s grinning for the first time in the movie. But it’s also because he’s actually done something explicitly for the children, which Mary never does. They get into all sorts of fun with her, but she always sort of grumbles her way through, or claims they’re forcing her into it. (“If we must, we must.”) Bert tries to do things for them, but all he can manage is to coax Mary into action. George is the first and only person in the film to actually give them something, on purpose. That’s how we (as eight year old viewers) are able to feel it’s okay that practically perfect Mary has to leave and slightly boring George has to stay. In the end, he’s more suited to being their parent than she is.

None of this addresses how the sing-along experience was, but it was great. They gave us little goody bags (poppers to set off when the Admiral blows his cannon, a glowstick to wave during the chimney sweep battle, etc.), and there were plenty of things to shout at the screen, and lots of singing. It was curiously less raucous than I expected a Castro sing-along would be — certainly less raucous than the Buffy sing-along — but probably that’s the difference between singing along with meh-voiced Sara Michelle Gellar and singing along with the divine Julie Andrews. All in all, I recommend sing-alongs to anyone who loves getting baggies of free stuff and seeing a great flick on the big screen.

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Voyeur

You love looking into lit windows at night and catching glimpses of another life. Right? (It’s okay, I’ve seen you outside my house. And by the way, knock it off.)

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Well, my new addiction is window-peeking online. This website offers a way to rent out rooms or entire apartments when you travel. Not just vacation rentals — actual homes where people live (except they’re gone when you’re there, unless you just rent the room).

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Gene and I are not big fans of hotel rooms so this was a pretty exciting find, and it got a lot more exciting once I realized all the listings have multiple photos of the apartments. I can sit and stare in the windows of Paris apartments for hours if I want to. You guys, it’s so creepy and fun!

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It’s also going to come in mighty handy if we wind up going abroad for our honeymoon. I can just see the hilarious anecdotes now. “And then the old lady who owned the place came home unexpectedly, and you would not believe how cool she was about us doing that thing with the drapes…”

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Like a fireman running to a window that has no fire

Some firemen were in line behind me at Safeway today. I got all twittery in the facial region and couldn’t look at them directly. Firemen!

Firefighting is the last job to retain its mystique, now that we’ve got doctors and policemen and the President knocked off their respective pedestals. I mean, doctors get malpractice suits, cops sometimes shoot BART passengers, and Presidents, well…But firemen, what can they do wrong? Maybe they’re grabbing the family silver as they’re carrying your grandma out of her burning house, but if so, they keep it pretty quiet.

It was exciting to be so close to three of them and I cheerfully eavesdropped. One of them had spotted the cover of this month’s Martha Stewart magazine — a Halloween theme — and they began discussing the shameless habit retailers have of pimping holidays far in advance. “There are Christmas decorations up at Walmart already,” one of them said, shaking his head. “It’s gone too far.”

You hear that, Walmart? Take ’em down. Take those Christmas lights down.

Also, I try not to judge people by their grocery selections, but these guys did have exceptionally nice food. Lots of fresh veggies and whole wheat bread. It warmed my heart a little.

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Tax Payer

I got some yard time yesterday drinking in Dolores Park with everyone’s favorite visiting klezmer (“but we don’t call ourselves a klezmer band”) musician.

There are a lot of cops patrolling D. Park even on a weekday. Why is this? At first I figured they were going for an easy ticket, so we dutifully hid our bottles in bags and waited for the cop in the car and the two motorcycle cops to move on. They failed to do this, so we started cautiously drinking out of the bagged bottle, and then poured some wine into a cup and pretended it was, I dunno, beet juice or something. Still no reaction from the three cops in our immediate vicinity. After a while we stopped worrying about it and began drinking openly. Finally fed up, I walked over and poured the dregs of the wine bottle onto the upholstery of the cop’s car, but he didn’t even blink.

I mean! Who are they out here to protect me from, if not myself?

Seriously, though. Considering what nonsense I was talking after half a bottle of wine and a couple of beers, a little police intervention to keep me sober might not have been the worst thing.

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TV

I finally got a chance to watch last week’s episode of Top Chef, starring high school pal and fellow Shakespeare enthusiast Ash. They made a nice comment about his food, so that was pleasing, and kind of made me wish I hadn’t gone around vehemently contradicting the story that he and I had kissed back in my freshman year of high school.

As exciting as it is to see Ash on the TV, the show itself is weird. It seems odd, for example, that people are so disgusted by that sexist Mike guy when the real villains are obviously the producers, judges, hosts and whoever chooses the relentlessly manipulative soundtrack. I mean, here are all these awesome professional chefs and they’re forced to live in a giant house with each other, with roommates, blech, and undergo idiotic challenges concocted by people with no respect for food, and occasionally get dissed by a skeletal woman who is obviously subsisting on hairspray and the three bites of dinner she has in each episode. And then people are astonished that sometimes one of them says something kind of dumb? If it were me, I’d be reduced to making stuttery vowel sounds on camera and dribbling.

What I need is for Ash to get a show on the Food Network, where he can just come into a TV kitchen and talk to the camera in a nice calming way for half an hour and at the end of it I know how to make something Southern or French. But until that happens, I will go on watching this and gnawing my fingernails to bits.

Mind you, I’m sure he will win. It’s just that the goddamn soundtrack makes me nervous.

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