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The Battle

Posted by on February 29, 2012

I spent part of the morning in an unequal fight with the rosebush in our front yard. It was armed with thorns and an impressively tenacious root system while I had only a shovel and some Language.

I hear some of you saying “But why uproot that poor innocent rosebush? Roses are pretty!” Yes, roses are pretty, provided they arrive at your home as the gods intended: in a long white box accompanied by a card from a boy who has a crush on you. But rosebushes are ugly. They have more thorns than flowers and they pop up where they are least wanted (i.e. everywhere) and at night they grow legs and walk around the neighborhood terrorizing kittens and babies.* Our rosebush has to go.

Sadly, rosebushes are also the zombies of the plant world. I’ve hacked this thing half out of the ground but it refuses to die, and only now does it occur to me that one of its roots is probably wrapped around a sprinkler pipe or a mouse nest or something else that’s going to give me some truly horrifying troubles when I hit it. Le sigh.

I’m told that pouring boiling water on its roots will kill it, which makes sense since that will at least maim most things. Will killing it make it any easier to uproot, though? Does anybody know anything about these demon plants?

Rose, I will ensure the safety of the neighborhood’s kittens if I have to boil you alive to do it.  Be told.

*This is very true.











If the gods had wanted us to grow roses, they would have given us skin made from Carhartts.

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