I’m having my groceries delivered today, octogenarian-style. A couple of days ago I realized there were more things on my list than could be carried home on my back, so I thought I’d try this service out because the first delivery is free.
But now the guy is actually coming today and I’m a little nervous. I’m going to open the door, thirty years old, no broken leg, no squalling infant, no visible mental illness, and be like, “Yeah, I could have walked the eight blocks, but basically I’m lazy and it’s wet out there.” If I were the delivery guy, I would deny me these groceries just on principle.
So I’m thinking I’m going to fake a baby. We have a lot of DVDs, probably one of them has baby sounds. I’ll put one on the bedroom TV and close the door and pretend there’s a baby in there. I’m pretty sure this will work.
My only concern is that I might come to like having the company, and go on pretending there’s a baby in the bedroom every day. It’s not impossible that Gene might come home one evening to find I’ve diapered his pillow.