I thought of a way to scare my neighbors for Halloween. First I carved a pumpkin, but I didn’t make it scary, I made it sweet and goofy and fun. Then I put it outside my door, in the lobby — boo! An adorable pumpkin to grin at you when you come home, neighbors!
Then I let it sit there for a week, and it grew black and white mold all inside it, and the mold crept across the eyeholes and the nose and the top slid down into itself like a toothless old mouth.
Then I took several days to notice that it was no longer so cute, and when I finally got rid of it it was so soft and gross that part of it had to be cleaned off the carpet separately.
So as my neighbor, you have to be asking yourself: What kind of housekeeper is she, in general? Is this sort of thing going on in there all the time? Is she growing deadly mold in her fridge? Should we be afraid?
BE AFRAID, NEIGHBORS.