A Wednesday List

I was walking some kids home from school yesterday (in my role as a volunteer with an after-school program; I don’t just show up outside schools and hope somebody is feeling gullible that day) when one of them asked me what they’d be having for snack. I frowned, trying to remember what I’d seen on the chalkboard.

“Graham crackers,” I said, “and…is it possible that there is something called Gogurt, which is a food?” (Note: I actually know about Gogurt, but I find they’re more entertained by me if I talk like a caveman who has just been revived into the modern world.)

“Yes,” they all said, exasperated by my old-lady ignorance. “It’s just yogurt. It’s yogurt you have when you have to have yogurt and go somewhere.”

“When does that ever happen?” I demanded, because it’s important to teach them to think critically, and it’s even more important to teach them to criticize, and especially to criticize things I think are dumb.

This made me think about things I don’t like, and now I’m going to share them with you, because it’s Wednesday which I dimly remember was code in the working world for “a terrible day.” Here you go, let’s hate stuff together.

A list of things I do not like, Sam I Am

• Gogurt, or any food which is clearly just a normal kind of food but being marketed in an “exciting” way. Except Cuties, which are awesome.

• Making hand gestures. Whether it’s a thumbs-up or the rocking hand-horns, I pretend that I am too cool to do it but the truth is I’m never entirely sure I’m doing it right and so I  suspect that doing it actually makes me less cool. Sometimes I try anyway, and the memories of my failures in this department still haunt me. Like that time I tried to make the “what you are saying is lame, this is me pretending to jerk off” movement and Gene and someone else — Sean, maybe? — had to tell me sternly never to do that again, so poorly did I execute it.

• It’s been many years since last I spoke of this but I still hate casual hugging. I hate it so much that I feel compelled to do it all the damn time so that people won’t realize how much I hate it and take it personally. Though also, the more I inappropriately hug, the more I may awaken others to the realization that friend-hugging sucks and should be stopped. Only through hugging can we defeat hugs. C’mere, you.

• I hate running. I actually remember the last time I enjoyed running (don’t read this, Mom, it’ll make you sad). I was in third grade and I won a race by using the visualization technique my dad taught me and I was so proud of myself, and then a friend promptly told me that I run funny. She helpfully did her best to demonstrate my run so that I could see it, and really tried to deconstruct my technique at length. I’ve never ever liked running since then, and actually failed several high school P.E. classes rather than run in front of boys I had crushes on. And since I never do it I’m now completely unsuited for it — I spent about five minutes playing tag with some kids a couple of days ago and I came home thinking maybe I was going to die. Running is terrible. The only thing worse than plain running is running because you’re being chased by someone who wants to hug you and then exchange thumbs-up gestures with you.

• That last one kind of bummed me out, so I feel like I need to add a lighter thing. Maybe shopping websites that by default list their products from most expensive to least expensive. Barneys, I’m looking at you. Who would ever want this? Get real, Barneys and other websites.