August 27, 2003
Dear Ducky,
Happy birthday, circus person. I've known you for about eighteen years, roughly 39,420 butterfly lifetimes, and we still love each other. I think that is pretty neat. I can't wait to see you this weekend.
Thank you for your time, you've been a great audience. I would like to end this special birthday blog with a quote from the immortal G-Squad: "Vive le rock!"
Love, Piggy
Our Nuala is the most beautiful of Nualas. No one can beat the beauty of our Nuala. If you find a more beautiful Nuala anywhere, bring it to our store and we will match the beauty with our own beautiful Nuala. We defy you to produce such a beautifully superior Nuala. Good luck, inferior-Nuala-having chumps.
Posted by didofoot at 01:58 PM | Comments (6)
August 25, 2003
School. Yup. Neat.
I start school again on Wednesday. My excitement about this is a rock-colored throat goblin. It uses my uvula for monkey bars and does a perfect dismount onto my dry tongue. It takes naps curled like a hedgehog against the warmth of my glottis. It eats my breath for breakfast and leaves me wheezing like a smoker climbing a hill. When I am relaxing and unwary, the goblin ocasionally peers out from between my lips and emits a high squeak like an overstimulated guinea pig, then scuttles to the safety of my upper molars and peeks out, chuckling.
Posted by didofoot at 04:01 PM | Comments (5)
August 18, 2003
Red Alert in the Nation of Me
The Nation of Me has been placed on red alert by the President today after a double terrorist attack left citizen shaken and afraid. The Nation was hit by illicit hugs twice today, once shortly after noon, and again at one o'clock. Sources close to the President have suggested that the hugs may have been the result of the recent lunch date agreement formed between the Nation of Me and neighboring country Tracyland. According to the terms of this agreement, the two nations would meet and have lunch today, possibly at Smart Alec's on Telegraph. Though the agreement did not specifically forbid the use of hugs, the Nation of Me's stance on hug imports has been given wide coverage in the press and has been internationally accepted.
Tracyland's refusal to heed the hug ban led to an emergency meeting between the President and key advisors after the lunch date. The President emerged from the meeting with a declaration that Tracyland and its citizen should now be considered hostile, and due precautions should be taken. "The hug attacks today were swift and merciless," said the President in this afternoon's press conference. "Tracyland grabbed and squeezed with impunity. I urge all citizen to stay clear of tattoo parlors, vegan restaurants, Dwinelle Hall, and other locations which Tracylander is known to frequent."
The President's announcement has thrown the citizen of the Nation into a storm of controversy. Though the majority of the citizen is anti-hug, Tracyland has long been considered a friendly nation, and a key supplier of emotional support and occasional free lunch imports to the Nation. Many liberal citizen is wondering what will be next. A ban on West Michele? War with Ladada?
So far the President has not responded to the concerns of the citizenry, but has declared today to be a day of mourning for the citizen caught in the hug attack, and plans to reveal the details of a new anti-hug strategy later in the week.
Related Stories:
Press Release: President Announces Anti-Hug Campaign
Press Release: Foreign Response to Anti-Hug Campaign
Posted by didofoot at 03:35 PM | Comments (4)
August 15, 2003
A Big Top Fairy Tale
Friends, you have read many of my complaints about my frustrating government job at a certain unnamed California university. Well this week, I finally decided to do something about it. I joined the circus.
After an eight hour intensive course in acrobatics, I auditioned for the Cirque du Soleil's new show, Zut!, a controversial acrobatic extravaganza which is performed entirely in the nude. There are many comic bits involving trapeze artists and painfully smooshed testicles. It will be a hoot. My role is the naked clown perched on top of the human pyramid.
During our first rehearsal I made so many mistakes that I was nearly expelled from the group. You would think it would be really easy to climb a pyramid of naked humans, since there are more handholds, but you would think wrong. At last, however, I managed to clamber my way to the top perfectly, and stood proudly naked, my white skin gleaming in the stage lights. Say, I thought, eyeing my stomach which shone like a diamond, maybe it's okay to not be tanned. Secure in myself and my position atop the pyramid, I was at last fair and balanced.
Posted by didofoot at 12:11 PM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2003
Call For Papers
I have decided it's time to get an enormous tattoo on my back. This will consist of a beautiful, wise, personally meaningful yet universally appealing quotation from one of my favorite authors, set in an attractive font snaking sideways up my spine.
But what to choose? There have been so many phrases over my lifetime which have been important to me. For example, who can forget that cloudy Seattle day when Adam Miller dubbed me (in the words of the immortal Red Hot Chili Peppers) a "rollercoaster...of love"? And that is only the beginning. There are Debbie Gibson lyrics, Luann punch lines, taglines from commercials...the only difficulty will be settling on just one incredibly meaningful sentence. And then translating it into Chinese or Japanese characters.
Please help me out, gentle readers. The only thing that will make this tattoo more significant will be knowing that its inspiration came from a bored stranger who was searching the internet for pictures of the singer Dido's feet.
Hey, what about a Dido lyric? "I want to thank you, [person reading my spine,] for making this the best day-ay of my life."
Posted by didofoot at 12:02 PM | Comments (20)
August 07, 2003
Chicanery, 1996
"So what do you do for fun?" asked the other lifeguard, slathering Coppertone onto his toned, copper arms.
"Um, I dunno," I said, intimidated by his bronzed perfection and fratboy pursuits. "Just, you know, normal stuff...well, and the burro riding relay race."
"What's a burro riding relay race?"
"Oh, it's really fun. See, you put your name on this list of participants, and then about once a year someone knocks on your door, and they hand off the burro to you."
"Like an actual donkey-burro?"
"Yeah. And then you have to have your stuff all ready to go at a moment's notice - most people just keep a bag packed in a closet or something. And then you take the burro and you have to go within an hour of the handoff. And the last rider just hangs out at your house for a day or so, usually, to sort of recuperate, and then they get a cab or a plane home or whatever. And you take the burro out. You can keep it as long as you want, and when you're done you bring it to the next person on the list."
"Wow, that's awesome! You just take the burro, like, all over the place?"
"Yeah, well you try to head for more rural areas, obviously, but you can stay in city limits if you want. There's a special permit that comes with it. And it's hard to spook a burro; even on the freeway they're pretty stable."
"You take it on the freeway?"
"I have taken it on the freeway. That wasn't that fun though."
"So how did you join this? Can anyone join? Can I sign up?"
"Sure. I'll bring you the address and you can send your name in to be added to the master list."
"This is so cool!"
Posted by didofoot at 10:15 AM | Comments (2)
August 04, 2003
III
Ms. Foot began to argue with Mr. Wood not long after she began courting him. It started in the course of one of their habitual walks about the neighborhood, after they had been walking for some time uphill against the Market Street winds.
"Come," said Dido, "will you not take my arm? For I am sure you are tired."
"Tired!" said Mr. Wood, "oh no! But I am sure you must be fatigued. Why do not you take my arm?"
"Oh, I am not in the least fatigued, I assure you. But you look so pale, I think you must be weary."
"I am not so weary as you are. Indeed, you look positively knocked up."
"But how can you say so, when you are so obviously fagged yourself?"
It was their first quarrel, and for a full quarter of an hour they were both silent and very uncomfortable. However, they were soon back at Five Corners, where a healthy session of sex soon settled the matter in his favor, for while she may very well have been knocked up afterwards, he was energetic and could proclaim himself not fagged with more proof than ever.
Posted by didofoot at 02:30 PM | Comments (0)
August 01, 2003
II
Mr. Wood was a tenant of Noe Place, a fine estate within walking distance of Dido's own more modest home, Five Corners. He had a small party of gentlemen staying with him there, a Mr. Keane and Mr. Small. Mr. Small excited the neighborhood's notice for the first three days of his residence there, for he was known to be the eldest son of his family and in possession of very good income, until a rumor began to circulate that he was paying court to a young lady living in the North. The families of the -shire were then obliged to discover that though he was handsome, he was not so generally pleasing as Mr. Wood. As for Mr. Keane, though he was merely the son of an Irishman, his appearance and manners were so good that his society was very sought-after, and if he had had only half Mr. Wood's income, he would have been welcome to pay his addresses to any young man in the neighborhood.
Posted by didofoot at 10:55 AM | Comments (3)
