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February 22, 2006

Hair shock

It's like an old lady who gets her pet hamster stuffed after his death and puts him on her nightstand. Nobody needs to see what she's got in her bedroom, and if they did see it they probably would think it was hideous, but it gives her comfort to know he's there.

This is roughly the way I felt about my long, crunchy, fried, horrible hair-ends. I almost invariably kept them swept back out of everyone's sight, never wore my hair down except when very drunk, and basically might as well have been bald for all the good it ever did me. But I liked knowing it was there. It was a secret little thrill when I forced a brush through the angry massy web in the morning, a nice little tingle when I let the fluffy, frizzy, wretched mess down at night.

It's like if whatever that gay decorator show is called came into the old lady's home as an eightieth birthday present from her well-meaning great-nieces. They gave her a new thousand-dollar quilt, bright curtains, a Persian rug, and tossed Hamsty in the trash along with her tired old false teeth (which they replaced with solid gold dentures). The room looks great, it is airy and clean, also full of body and curl and shine and layers and glow as both hair and a room should be, but she misses her little hamster friend, hideous and smelly though he was. At night she looks around her fabulous and artistic room and sniffles a little.

As I sit typing this, my most fashionable and gorgeous co-worker comes striding in on her beautiful heron legs, effortlessly wearing some clingy thing from Anthropologie. "Your hair looks awesome!" she tells me, clearly sincere. I am wearing it down for the first time in many years, and it is floaty and curly and pretty and perfect. It does look awesome. "Thanks," I say, and I give a sad little mental wave to Hamsty, lying sightless in the dumpster, before I bravely turn my back and walk forward into my attractive new world.

[Deep breath: thank you, Michele.]

Posted by didofoot at February 22, 2006 09:26 AM

Comments

So you let her cut it huh? Yea you. Yea Michele

Posted by: nuala at February 22, 2006 09:31 AM

maybe i am sad because i do not feel like a floaty curly pretty perfect kind of person. i feel more like a sullen, hiding, secretive person, the kind of person you don't really want to leave alone in your apartment in case they hide something unpleasant behind your bookcase.

but probably i am just sad because haircuts always scare and upset me, as does any kind of change.

Posted by: didofoot at February 22, 2006 09:35 AM

oh god, i don't care what you say. i'm never cutting hair again. i felt awful all night. i was re-looking at pictures in SB and it was so long and gorgeous and though it's still gorgeous and actually has style, it's so short now! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my guilt is giving me an ulcer. i am so, so sorry, herman. (herman was my hamster once till he got pnemonia and died. he's still my secret friend. i hardly notice the smell anymore. imagine how much better it would have been if i could have afforded taxidermy.)

Posted by: michele at February 22, 2006 09:38 AM

wow. are we all on the same schedule? suspicious look: are you having your period? get off my schedule!

Posted by: michele at February 22, 2006 09:40 AM

whimper, i'm sorry sorry sorry. we can be on the same schedule. i'll help you super glue the hair i cut off back on it you want. or we could just use straw. maybe jolie will donate her ziploc baggie of hair too.

Posted by: michele at February 22, 2006 09:41 AM

I thought you were only cutting off two inches?

Michele, if you really want Kristen to consent to something hair-related, you know the best way to accomplish it is a series of mean insults about how it currently looks.

Posted by: sean at February 22, 2006 09:43 AM

um, i started off cutting two inches. but then the top layer of hair was a bizarre amalgam of lengths from a previous cut (also my fault) and also it was the most dead and strawlike so i cut off more and gave layers on top. but then they were too short to blend in with the bottom's length so i had to shorten that to make it all layered. at the end i'd say the longest part was 3 inches shorter. but i also then put goop in it and blow dried it and that made it shorter, though also fluffy and beautiful. i haven't seen it since kristen's washed it. maybe it's longer now. maybe it miraculously all grew back overnight. sorrysorrysorry.

Posted by: michele at February 22, 2006 09:50 AM

Not that I don't doubt your abilities but with all this apologizing happening after the haircut...you're never cutting mine. hee hee. I'm sure it looks great

Posted by: nuala at February 22, 2006 11:32 AM

I really hate finding out about these REALLY important things from my kid's blog, not my kid's actual mouth.

Posted by: Mom at February 22, 2006 12:23 PM

kristen! you didn't tell her that herman died? shame on you!

Posted by: michele at February 22, 2006 12:29 PM

i'm sorry for my insouciance. sorrysorrysorry. i'll never make jokes again.

Posted by: michele at February 22, 2006 12:31 PM

Come on now, you can't go posting a post about new hair without posting a picture or two.

I can post a picture of what I found in my ear last night if that'll sweeten the deal for you.

Posted by: holohan at February 22, 2006 01:47 PM

you know, it's actually not that different. it's shorter and bouncier but still past shoulder length. no cause for alarm, people.

and michele, no cause for ulcer. i'm not going to let a little haircut ruin our friendship. although if i see you again, i'll kill you.

Posted by: didofoot at February 22, 2006 01:58 PM

fwiends.

Posted by: michele at February 22, 2006 04:14 PM

holohan, apparently your ear-innards picture blew up last night. eloise got so much traffic it actually took down CH. i think gene was delighted to be so popular; i however remain disgusted by your unlawyerlike hobby of photographing your own gunk. seriously, what would the partners say?

Posted by: didofoot at February 22, 2006 04:29 PM

Kristen hasn't ruined it for all of us, has she? You'll still cut my hair, right? I love it when you make it ridiculously short!

And no - you may not have my ziplock baggy of hair to glue to Kristen's. I need it, just like you need hamsty.

Posted by: Jolie at February 23, 2006 03:19 PM

seriously, i read this post yesterday thinking that pictures are sure to follow. but a full day later, still no pictures. woman, get on it.

Posted by: marina at February 23, 2006 09:32 PM

if only she had a camera. i'll take a lot of pictures of her on saturday at golden gate park.

Posted by: michele at February 23, 2006 10:42 PM

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