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August 16, 2004

I do science on my laptop

I would think that after locking it in a drawer for six years, Gabriel Knight III would be dead from malnutrition. But when I opened the drawer yesterday it sprang out at me and devoured my weekend in a gulp, fresh as a morning daisy. Go figure.

The Gabriel Knight series was one of the last of Sierra's ill-fated attempts to make adventure games aimed at the ladies. You alternate between playing as Gabriel, the smooth-talking Southern sexpot who drives a Harley without a helmet (which makes me, newly-educated biker chick, wince every time I see it) and Grace Nakamura. Grace is smart, sassy, and soberly-clad. It's interesting to see the way designers think girls like me (i.e. girls who play computer games) want to be. Frankly, I would be happier if Grace was a busty Nordic chick who slept with all the male characters. Additional stereotype/role models are the lesbian couple, comprised of one (1) overweight hysterical artist, sort of a poor poor man's Gertrude Stein, and one (1) makeup-free Welsh woman with very practical shorts. Yes, I guess these are my three options if I'm going to be a woman. Oh, and the French slut character who pretty clearly had something to do with murdering a few people, not unlike my award-winning role in the arthouse darling Fjords! The Musical.

I guess I should just be grateful that I have more options than the standard virgin/whore in modern media. Now I can be a brainiac virgin or a murderous whore. So it's a wonder that Sierra's "kid sister" line of games never took off, isn't it? Let's just blame our failure on the lack of market and not consider that the flaw might lie in the game, shall we? And while we're at it, let's add long, tedious conversations into all our girl games, because girls like talking more than problem-solving.

I want my weekend back.

Posted by didofoot at August 16, 2004 02:31 PM

Comments

Madam, I think your claims of doing science on your laptop are filthy, flagrant falsehoods. I want to see proof-- bubbling beakers full of green stuff! Smoke! Zapping sounds! Everyone knows it's not science without these things.

Posted by: Dianna at August 16, 2004 03:46 PM

...and get my boys mashed up. (you're listening to the streets.)

what i actually do on my laptop, sadly, is rampant nerdery, and not even the good kind.

Posted by: didofoot at August 16, 2004 03:48 PM

fool.

Posted by: michele at August 16, 2004 07:16 PM

Are you implying that girls do not like long, tedious conversations?

Posted by: rick at August 17, 2004 07:14 AM

I love that streets album! well, I do.

Posted by: jason s at August 17, 2004 10:26 PM

Are we talking 1st or 2nd streets album here?

Don't Mug Yourself, cuz the Geezers Need Excitement in the Irony of it All...
or is it that we are we Fit, and Don't We Know it?

Posted by: kati at August 17, 2004 11:55 PM

I'm thinking of the geezers need excitement album. I don't think of the other one because I haven't heard it. Any good?

Posted by: jason s at August 18, 2004 07:56 AM

rick, sometimes you are great.

grace just got laid in the game, so i take back all my griping.

Posted by: didofoot at August 18, 2004 09:07 AM

Sex in Gabriel Knight? I suddenly had a flashback of the old Sierra adventure games. You are lucky though, the new games you could use the mouse for sex. Ever tried having sex in a Sierra game using their old text based input? It when something like this:

>SCREW HOOKER
>You have not paid her yet.

>PAY WHORE
>What do you want to pay her for?

>PAY SLUT FOR SEX
>You pay her $100.

>SCREW HOOKER
>You should really use a condom...

>WEAR CONDOM
>Not with your clothes on!

>TAKE OFF CLOTHES
>You take off your clothes. The prostitute smiles at your package.

>CONDOM
>The condom does not respond.

>WEAR CONDOM
>Do you want to wear the ribbed or spiked condom?

>WEAR RIBBED CONDOM
>Do you want to wear the blue or the red ribbed condom?

>WEAR BLUE RIBBED CONDOM
>Do you want to wear the chocolate flavoured or banana flavoured condom?

>AHHH!
>Huh?

>IS IT A WHITE CHOCOLATE CONDOM?
>No.

>WEAR BANANA FLAVOURED BLUE RIBBED CONDOM
>You seem to be having some difficulty putting the banana flavoured blue ribbed condom on. Maybe you are not excited enough.

>LOOK AT HOOKER
>It helps, but not enough.

>TELL HOOKER TO GET ON HER KNEES AND SUCK DICK
>The prostitute responds that you need to pay extra for that service.

>PAY HOOKER TO SUCK COCK
>You have no money left.

>HMMM
>You ponder the perplexities of your existence. The prostitute states that she has other clients awaiting her services.

>LOOK AT EQUIPMENT
>You have the following in your inventory:
> 1 Energizer bunny
> 2 AA Energizer batteries
> 1 Pack of Condoms
> 1 Bottle Binaca
> 1 Pack of American Spirits
> 1 Box of Matches from the GoGo Lounge

>PUT BATTERIES IN ENERGIZER BUNNY
>You insert the 2 AA batteries into the Energizer Bunny.

>TELL BUNNY TO FLUFF ME
>The Energizer Bunny is not turned on.

>TURN ON ENERGIZER BUNNY
>The Energizer Bunny is now turned on, however the prostitute is not.

>TELL ENERGIZER BUNNY TO FLUFF ME
>Going…
>Going…
>Still going…
>You are prepared.

>PUT ON CONDOM
>Do you want to wear the ribbed or spiked condom?

>WEAR BANANA FLAVOURED BLUE RIBBED CONDOM
>You are now wearing your banana flavoured blue ribbed condom. The prostitute smiles.

>FUCK WHORE
>You attempt to but she seems turned off. Maybe you should try some foreplay?

>KISS HOOKER
>You attempt to kiss the hooker but she slaps you in the face, complaining of your horrible breath.

>USE BINACA
>You administer three sprays of Binaca into your gehena-like mouth. Your breath is now Crescent Fresh.

>KISS SLUT
>She seems ready now.

>HAVE SEX WITH SLUT
>Which position?

>MISSIONARY
>Three mormons suddenly appear out of nowhere.

>SCREW SLUT IN MISSIONARY POSITION
>…

DONKEY PUNCH CENSORED!

>What would you like to do with your load?

>GIVE PEARL NECKLACE TO HOOKER
>You give the prostitute a pearl necklace. She thanks you but says that diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

>SAVE GAME

Posted by: rick at August 18, 2004 04:39 PM

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