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December 02, 2002
When left to her own devices, Dido delighted in impersonating middle management...
This is in response to Holohan's letter, which you should read first.
Dear Valued Customer:
We are in receipt of your letter dated NOVEMBER 12, 1989. Please rest assured that your concerns are valid, and that we will make every effort to address them. We here at RALPH'S FOOD, INC. are always eager to hear suggestions for improvement from you, the customer.
In the future, we will certainly attempt to
X STOCK THE ITEM YOU HAVE REQUESTED.
_ RESOLVE YOUR ISSUE WITH OUR STAFF.
_ RECONSIDER OUR PRICING SYSTEM.
_ BAN SMALL CHILDREN FROM OUR STORE.
_ CLEAN THE FLOORS WITH SOMETHING NOT SO STICKY.
_ INSTALL A THUNDER SOUND IN OUR PRODUCE SECTION LIKE SAFEWAY'S.
Sincerely,
Customer Service
RALPH'S FOODS, INC.
[Handwritten] P.S. I have been a customer service manager with Ralph's for twenty years and I've never had a letter from someone complaining about anything cherry-related. Do you know why? It's because the cherry is valued in this country, that's why. Consider some common cherry-related expressions, such as describing a mint-condition (don't get me started on the role of mint in our society) car as "cherry," and referring to the act of deflowering a virgin as "popping her cherry." (May I remind you that in pre-Victorian England, the cherry of a virgin was sold for as much as 500 pounds? I hardly think it is less valued in this country.) In addition, cherries are really tasty. Clearly, the cherry is a fruit whose importance to the good US of A cannot be underestimated. Don't you love America, Mr. Holohan (if that IS your real name)? I would think even a communist like yourself would appreciate the cherry, with its fine red color so like your godless flag.
In short, I suggest you try those cherry doughnuts one more time before you go pointing fingers at the Statue of Liberty, the Bible, and the Bush administration. You goddamn liberal. I hope you and all your kind get shipped to outer space. You'd like it up there, wouldn't you? You pansy? No draft to dodge in outer space, eh, coward?
Sincerely,
Harold P. Waughm
Manager and American
P.P.S. You can try to complain about this, but I'm retiring in 3 days. It would take some sort of instantaneous mail system to reach my superior before that time. Good luck, sucker! Ha ha. -HPM
Posted by didofoot at December 2, 2002 11:14 AM
Comments
mutter dirty commie mutter mutter club foot mutter
Posted by: michele at December 2, 2002 12:44 PM
Did he REALLY send that? Oh man, I hope so. Holohan will be my new hero. Hip Hip Hurrah!
Posted by: tracy at December 2, 2002 09:15 PM
he hasn't sent it yet, but it's sitting on his desk with a stamp on it ready to begin its journey across town. i'm hoping for a coupon for free donuts. or a form letter. or both. or neither.
Posted by: holohan at December 2, 2002 10:03 PM
maybe they'll send you their new grape-flavored donuts for a test run. mm-hmmm, them's tasty!
Posted by: erica at December 2, 2002 10:40 PM
once i wrote a letter to TOP foods in tacoma, wa complaining about their lack of those twister popsicles and they sent me a very apologetic letter advising me to take it up with good humor (tm) and some coupons for money savings on popsicles. no actual life-time supplie of free popsicles though. it was very sad. but at the same time a triumph of one girl's eternal quest for tasty frozen treats.
Posted by: michele at December 2, 2002 10:41 PM
hwee! hi erica! making the rounds, making the rounds. see you tomorrow.
Posted by: michele at December 2, 2002 10:41 PM
I got some free Ultimate Cheeseburgers from complaining to Jack-in-the-Box before, but that was due to incompetent service, not a fundamental objection to menu/donut options. Although I do have a bone to pick with their condiment selections:
Scene: Jack-in-the-Box boardroom
Executive 1: What about...no, that's crazy.
Executive 2: Maybe if we could make the fries curlier... no, that's stupid.
CEO: I've got it! More ketchup!
(All high-five)
Posted by: sean at December 3, 2002 01:03 AM
The high-five'n white guys. Genius.
Posted by: tracy at December 3, 2002 08:43 AM
actually, executive 2 is a token Ethnic.
Posted by: didofoot at December 3, 2002 11:31 AM
that's good. i was worried about their quota.
Posted by: michele at December 4, 2002 12:16 PM
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